Saturday, July 31, 2010

Day 61: Krazy Kravings

What is going on the past couple of days? Craving salt and sugar like nobody's business. I thought I was past this! The only reason I can think of is that it's a certain time of the month. Maybe that's causing it? I don't know if Patrick can speak to this, but maybe the ladies in the group have some insight. I usually want a LOT of sugar around this time, and I usually have some pretty bad moods. I know, it's so stereotypical, but I'll find myself being really pissed off by little things, maybe in tears over something stupid, and then I look at the calendar and it all makes a little more sense. On the upside, I'm not having any real mood disturbances at the moment so maybe this new regimen is helping with that.

On the downside, I had some crackers. Salty, delicious crackers. Dammit! There is just too much non-PCP stuff in my house, mostly still leftover from my daughter's birthday party. I forgot about most of it, but found myself prowling the pantry this afternoon. I have hardly "cheated" at all so I'm not too mad at myself, but I don't want to do that again. I'll be interested to see if these cravings go away after a couple of days. Who knows if they're physical or mental or both?

Anyway, workout was good again this morning, yay! Having a great music playlist is helping soooo much. I find myself dancing a little bit during my rests. I also paid more attention to moving through the exercises quickly, and finished in 59 minutes today! It's nice to just get it done efficiently.

This is a bit of a tough weekend -- my husband is working all day today, all day tomorrow, overnight tomorrow, and then Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. (Then he gets seven days off, so no worries!) The daycare is closed on the weekend and my mom is still out of town, so it's just me and the toddler, all...day...long. I've been getting up at 5:30 to make sure I get my workout done by the time my husband needs to hand off to me and get out the door. Today I took a nap while she napped, which was just luscious. Tomorrow we do it all again!

Hope everybody has a great weekend!

Friday, July 30, 2010

Day 60: Out of the valley?

I think I'm done with this whole PCP Valley thing. Yes, this is hard. Yes, I still have a lot of work to do. But the rewards are so great -- and not just physical.

Here's what I've been thinking about for the past couple of days: integrity. To me, integrity means that your actions match your thoughts, your intentions, and your beliefs. I believe in self-discipline, curiosity, openness, continuous improvement -- and yet, I wasn't really carrying out those beliefs when it came to my physical health. My intellectual, spiritual, musical, and professional development have always been important to me, and I've always pursued those areas. But I neglected my physical health and somehow decided that it wasn't as important.

I've written before about how I was sick a lot as a child -- serious asthma, a couple of cases of pneumonia that landed me in the hospital for a couple of times, most recently when I was 18 and had to be on IV antibiotics for a few weeks -- and I know that as a result of those experiences, I turned inward and turned to books. I was never very good at physical things (that B in gym class always ruined my chance for straight A's) so I didn't try very hard at them, but I won those spelling bees left and right.

As I've gotten older I've started to realize I can no longer neglect my physical health, because I don't want to spend the second half of my life hobbled by preventable illness or obesity. I see people all around me, especially here in Kentucky, who spend most of their energy just trying to cope with their poor condition. I don't want to be that person.

I also don't want to be the person who is ignoring an entire realm of her being, her body. So I feel that in order to really live with integrity, I need to be doing just what I'm doing: exercising and paying attention to what I eat. Although this body is temporary, it's the only one I have for this life.

And here's how hard the leg exercises were for me today: I was excited to do the ab exercises because I could lie down. Ab work is the toughest for me, but my legs were super-wobbly after all those sets of creep, then standing for all the shoulder work. Woo hoo!

And since many of us are thinking about good music for working out, I'll share a few of my current favorites. Most if not all of these songs are available on iTunes. I'd love to hear what you're listening to -- always need some new tunes!

ART BRUT -- Alcoholics Unanimous, DC Comics and Chocolate Milkshake, The Replacements, Twist and Shout, My Little Brother, Modern Art (I think "Modern Art" is my favorite -- I scream right along with the screams in the chorus)

BEASTIE BOYS -- Sure Shot, Bodhisattva Vow, Body Movin

BECK -- E-Pro, Leopard Skin Pillbox Hat

BEN HARPER -- Shimmer and Shine, Boots Like These

BJORK -- Army of Me (dear sweet little Bjork gets medieval on your ass)

THE BLUE VAN -- Silly Boy

CAKE -- The Distance, I Will Survive (best disco cover EVER)

THE CLASH -- London Calling, Know Your Rights, White Riot

DESSA -- Children's Work, The Bullpen (a new discovery for me -- amazing rapper from Minnesota)

GOMEZ -- Hamoa Beach, Airstream Driver

JANELLE MONAE -- Tightrope, Come Alive (Tightrope is THE song of the summer)

JILL SCOTT -- Hate on Me

K'NAAN -- Dreamer, Waving Flag, ABC's (if you don't know K'Naan yet, you're missing out)

NICOLAI DUNGER -- Way Up High, Hunger, Soul Rush (one of my very very favorite musicians -- Swedish singer-songwriter, shades of Van Morrison with a dash of drunken crazy genius)

RADIOHEAD -- Bodysnatchers

TROMBONE SHORTY -- Backatown, Suburbia, Where Y'at (New Orleans funk-groove)

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Day 59: Grateful

As they say in the church, y'all really lifted me up. I have to say thank you, thank you, thank you to my PCP teammates who all posted helpful comments after yesterday's rant. Every one of you said something useful, which kept me going yesterday when I felt like c-r-a-p. Such a beautiful thing about this program -- that I feel like I can speak honestly when I'm struggling, that I know other people will understand, and that I can feel supported and encouraged by you beautiful people who I have never even met in person! Thank you again!!

Today has been much better. Last night we had a bunch of people over for dinner again -- two couples, with two kids each, plus my dad, so there were 7 grownups and 5 kids running around our house. It was utter pandemonium but it was fun. We grilled some steaks and had rice salad and green beans, and I ate my egg white & apple without a care. Seriously, it was sooooooo easy. I was cutting up my daughter's food and helping her eat, so I really didn't have much time to eat my own dinner anyway, and I really didn't mind. I'm comparing this to my first experience of eating egg white & apple while everybody else was chowing down on "regular" food, and I can definitely tell my mind is stronger.

Then last night, after everybody left, I sat down at the computer and made a "serious workout" playlist -- any song in my iTunes library that really had GREAT energy went on the list. I've had a "running" playlist for a while, but I'm sick of all those songs and most are too gentle for what I need now. If I work out in the morning, I usually listen to Morning Edition but the pleasant civility of NPR is not helpful in this situation!

So this morning, hopped up at 6, went to the basement, turned on my music and had a GREAT workout. I had a sense of humor this morning (as opposed to yesterday, when nothing was funny) so I didn't mind when I tripped while jumping. Triceps exercises are TOUGH for me but I got through them. Kung fu sit-ups are still just hilarious. I have no idea if anything is happening anywhere but my shoulders and upper back but I'm doing my best.

It's tough to get up early and work out first thing, but my day goes so much better when I do that. Otherwise I avoid and procrastinate and rationalize until I'm almost out of time, then I feel under pressure and I'm rushing to shower and eat afterwards. I think I'm going to plan on the early morning workouts for the foreseeable future.

Thank you again for all the help. You kept me going for another day! Only 31 days left!!

------

OH! Forgot to mention, I was listening to this Radiolab podcast during my disastrous, angry workout. It was really, really interesting -- about the limits of the human body. The story about the woman crawling across the IronMan finish line made me feel even more like a wuss for complaining about some bicep curls. Maybe not the best thing for motivation (I think I'll stick to my music for the time being) but I would really encourage you all to listen. I'm thinking differently about pain now, because of it. (And listen to all of Radiolab, too. Such great stuff.)

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Day 58: Tired, Angry, Frustrated

Well, there you have it. Just finished today's workout and I am PISSED. I simply do not feel capable of doing everything on the page today. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not, who's to say? I'm so happy for the progress I've made so far, but I still have SO FAR to go. I'm not having much success connecting with my "inspiration person" at the moment because it feels like I'd have to work out this hard every day for the next year in order to get there. I started off SO FAR from where I want to be and I'm angry that I ever let myself get that far out of shape. The workouts used to feel tough but doable, and I thought that if I just worked hard every day I would be able to keep up. Today, I don't feel like I can keep up. I feel like the difficulty has just whisked right past me and I'm left in the dust.

The stupid f'ing planks are getting me every time. I feel like I'm going to vomit. I had rivers of tears running down my cheeks during the one-arm curls today, because my arms just hurt so badly. I managed to get through them, though, so maybe my "inability" to get through the planks is just a mental problem, not a physical one. And that actually makes me feel worse -- if my body can't do it, that's one thing, but if my MIND is failing me somehow, then I feel like a *real* weakling. I'm trying to be proud of the work I've done so far and remind myself that I'm working harder than I've ever worked. But right now I just feel discouraged.

Tomorrow is another day. I'm not throwing in the towel. I'm going to take a shower and get some lunch and try to enjoy the rest of my day. I don't like sharing these feelings of weakness with other people, but I'm hoping that writing it all down will help somehow. I have to find something within that's going to help me through next time.

Help me here, PCP friends: what am I forgetting? What am I not seeing? I don't know why anger is my reaction right now, but do you have any suggestions for being less angry? I'm not going to quit this, but I would like to feel less angry and more positive about it.

Indulgence (a few days late)

I haven't had a chance to write about Indulgence #2 yet, so here it is! We went to a restaurant I've been wanting to try, Wiltshire on Market, with another couple. It was nice to get dressed up and go out! This particular restaurant is only open 3 nights a week (they started out as a catering company) and they focus on fresh, seasonal, mostly local food. They come up with a totally new menu every week.



Here's the cold glass of rose I enjoyed. Just one! And it was totally enough. I actually felt a little buzzed. When I was pregnant and also not drinking, my already low tolerance for alcohol shrank to just about nothing. I think the same thing's happening again. Hey, I'm a cheap date!



My starter: gazpacho with basil olive oil, plus some little toasted bread thingy with a little crushed olive. Gazpacho was delicious! Bread/olive were crazy salty.



My entree: prawns stuffed with crabmeat, and that pile in the middle is some fried onions atop some corn and tomato stuff. All incredibly delicious. Note that there are only three prawns. Something I really liked about this restaurant was that the portions were pretty small, at least compared to most American restaurants.



Dessert, shared with my husband: lemon tart, with a thin layer of dark chocolate between the lemon and the crust. This was the real eye-opener. Y'all know about my struggle with sweets -- sometimes I think I could just exist on sugar alone. The lemon tart was good, don't get me wrong, but the REALLY good thing on this plate was those raspberries sitting in whipped cream. I had a couple bites of the tart, then commenced to picking the raspberries out (I don't really like whipped cream) and moaning about how wonderful they were.

So, what did I learn? One glass of wine IS enough. I could easily have skipped dessert. The real pleasure of going out to dinner is being with friends, having a good conversation, and enjoying the surroundings. This kind of meal, enjoyed on an occasional basis, isn't going to cause a problem for me, especially if I approach it mindfully. Getting my day-to-day eating in a good place is much harder, although I'm starting to feel like I can do that.

2 downsides: I ate pretty much everything on my plate, because I'm not thinking about when I'm full these days. After I weigh my food, I eat it all because that's what I'm supposed to eat. I noticed that I was just finishing everything at the restaurant, out of habit. I'm hoping that in this last month I'll start to get a little bit more in touch with how much I should be eating. And I also had a stomachache when I went to bed. Nothing serious but I was uncomfortable. Maybe that's my lesson about eating everything on my plate!

OK, enough reminiscing. Workout time!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Day 57: Back to life, back to reality

The last time I blogged was on Friday, now it's Tuesday -- that's probably the longest I've gone without checking in. I can honestly say that writing every day is a HUGE part of this program for me, and a big help in focusing my thoughts. So, it's good to be back!

I got back from Florida late last night, happy to be home with my family again. I had a really nice time in Florida, despite the insanely hot weather. My mom's best friend has a house about 1 block from the beach, and it was great to have some relaxing time with no schedule. I read an entire novel while I was there, and one rainy afternoon we all watched a movie. (An afternoon movie is basically unheard of for me!)

PCP world was challenging, but I did the best that I could. I thought we would be eating mostly at home so I thought it would be totally no problem, but the other three women were in "vacation mode" and wanted to go out to eat. A lot. Fortunately, in Florida it's easy to get grilled fish and salads, so I was in pretty good shape. One night we went out to a reallllly swanky restaurant and I was sad because I was supposed to be eating egg white & apple -- instead I ate a green salad with no dressing and some sushi. I felt a little guilty about the sushi (which I ordered because I needed some protein) but then I realized: I'm out to dinner at a fancy place, and I had no bread, no wine, and no dessert. Normally that kind of dinner would have included at least a couple glasses of wine, a couple pieces of bread with butter, a salad, a main course, and at least sharing a dessert. How far I've come! I was plenty full after my salad & a few pieces of sushi.

In a way, the weekend was like a test run for being back in "the real world." I felt like I was taking off the training wheels for a couple of days, learning to make good choices on the fly. I'm really proud of myself that I never said, "Oh, f*** it, I'm on vacation, I'll just have some ice cream" or whatever. I'm sure I took in more salt than I needed, and I'm not sure about the size of the protein portions I had. I ate some grilled shrimp that I'm pretty sure had butter on it, although I asked for it to be plain. I had a really sorry salad at the Chicago airport last night on my way home. So, no, not perfect, but I know I made the best choices I could. It's really hard to eat healthy out in the world!

As far as exercise, long brisk walks on the beach beat jumping rope any day! I was able to get the rest of my group to join me for sweating in out on the beach in the morning, then we went back to the house where they had breakfast and I did bicep curls, etc., in the living room. They were very supportive of my efforts, so that was helpful too.

I was feeling all this angst on Sunday, that I wasn't strictly keeping up with my diet, oh no, what is this going to do to me this week -- and then I had a realization. I CHOSE to have a little less progress in my body in order to have this relaxing weekend away. Mentally, I really needed it. I love being a mom but sometimes the best thing I can do is have a little time away from my daughter. It was so nice to be able to sleep in without having somebody wake me up at 6:30 singing the ABC's. (Although I LOVE hearing her sing...) So that was the tradeoff I made, and I think it was worth it.

And now I'm back, and grateful to be home where I can have more control over my food and my routine. I'm feeling REALLY motivated to redouble my efforts this week and make it a great one. Only 33 days left, gotta make them worthwhile! I'm working at the classical station today, and almost ready to eat the lunch I packed this morning. Mmmmm, roasted salmon... :)

I really missed reading all of your blogs this weekend and feeling like part of the team. Glad to be back!

Friday, July 23, 2010

Day 53: Travel day

Posting from my iPhone in the Orlando airport today. This is the land of tired kids in Mickey Mouse hats, and a GIANT poster advertising the new Harry Potter theme park that I would LOVE to visit. Just wanted to check in with my PCP peeps today during my layover. From where I'm sitting, I can see McDonald's, Sbarro, Freshens, Au Bon Pain, and Starbucks. I used to take solo airplane travel as an opportunity to eat junk -- after all, I'm never going to see these people again. If it wasn't fast food it was candy. I wondered how I would react to being in that situation today, and I can honestly say: no problem. Not tempted. I think I'm going to hit up the Starbucks for an iced tea but since I'm not hungry I think that'll be it. I scoped out a food stand with lots of fruit & veg on it, though, so I'm covered if I need something.


I worked out this morning before leaving home, and I brought my lunch to the airport and ate it at the gate. A funny thing happened while I was munching my carrot & celery sticks. (I brought them because they were what I had ready in my fridge and what I thought would still be good in an hour.) A very nice older lady next to me patted my arm and said, "You're doing a great job on your diet." I smiled and said thank you. It was funny, though: I guess the assumption is that anyone eating carrots and celery (in public, no less) must be "on a diet." I mean, I guess technically I am, but I can honestly say i preferred my fresh veggies to the Quizno's subs or whatever that people were eating nearby. Airport food, blurrrrgggh!

My mom has been at the beach house for a day already and went to the grocery store earlier today with the list I gave her, so I'll be all set once i get there. I feel more relaxed already!

Indulgence dinner was wonderful last night -- delicious, seasonal food served in reasonable (read: small by American standards) portions in a lovely setting with fun companions. I have more observations and pictures but I'll wait to write a real post about it. One interesting takeaway: the lemon tart with dark chocolate was so-so but the fresh raspberries nestled in whipped cream as a garnish were f'ing amazing. Funny, huh?

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Day 52: Careful, careful...

Just finished my workout and my post-workout snack. Mmmmmm! I'm feeling much better today, seem to be totally over my cold. I don't think I've ever recovered so quickly from a bad cold like that. Wow, resting works!

But I'm seeing the aftereffects of having skipped one day's workout. Even though it was a conscious decision and I did the right thing, it's been a little tough to get mentally restarted. When I did yesterday's workout, it had really been TWO days since a real workout (Monday was jump-rope only, I was sick on Tuesday) so I was almost mentally unprepared for an hourlong pain extravaganza. I could really see my sneaky sneaky mind, trying to talk me out of doing all the sets or paying attention to the muscles I was trying to work. I went to the grocery store for chicken, yogurt and eggs, and all of a sudden, the junk food that I hadn't paid attention to in a while suddenly looked interesting. What the hell??

I spent 49 days making sure I got all my PCP tasks taken care of, and then I have ONE day where I skip the workout -- still stuck to the diet, mind you -- and my brain is ready to relapse? Wow, so interesting. In today's workout, I could see that impulse to cop out a little bit as well. I'm not worried about a grand crash-and-burn where I eat 15 donuts at once or something -- more likely is that I'll cut corners here and there, but still think I'm doing everything correctly, and then be puzzled when I don't get results. This is what I need to look out for right now.

Indulgence tonight! Reservations at the restaurant, babysitter booked, friends going along. Should be a fun evening!

And in other news -- I just booked a somewhat spontaneous trip to Florida for the weekend. My mom's best friend has a house in Ft. Myers Beach, and the two of them are there for ten days. My mom's friend's daughter lives in Ft. Lauderdale and is going to drive over for the weekend, so I asked my mother-in-law to come for the weekend to help take care of the baby (my husband is working this weekend) and I'm headed down from Friday afternoon to Monday evening. My mom, her friend, her friend's daughter and I usually take a weekend girls' trip somewhere every year, so all of a sudden, we're doing it this weekend. Woo hoo!

I'm really looking forward to a little beach time, a little girl time, and a little me time. I don't anticipate any problems keeping up with the PCP while I'm there, since we'll be in a house with a kitchen, and it's easy to pack a jumprope and resistance bands. (Yet another reason to love this exercise plan!) Usually our weekends together are full of restaurants and booze, but for various reasons, I think we all need a break from that. I'm sure there will be plenty of wine consumed, just not by me this time.

I don't know how much I'll be able to post while I'm gone, since I don't think there's a computer at the house. But I'll check in when I can, and I'll be sending all of you good vibes! (And I'll wave to Jenny as I fly overhead tomorrow afternoon!) Hopefully I can do a short post about the indulgence tomorrow before I leave.

Hope everybody is getting through the PCP Valley as best they can. :)

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Day 51: Because you're not hardcore...

...unless you live hardcore...

I decided to heed Patrick's advice to rest when I was sick instead of trying to be hardcore and working out anyway. It was really hard for me to do -- I was unsure about making the decision for myself. But I felt so terrible yesterday morning that I knew I needed to rest -- so I decided to get some HARDCORE REST. Once I decided I was resting, I wasn't going to do some half-assed rest, hanging out on the computer, doing chores around the house but skipping my workout. This was going to be a HARDCORE day of resting.

It's funny but that's how I approached it! After I dropped my daughter off at daycare, I basically spent the next three hours horizontal on the couch, listening to the radio, sleeping a bit. I cannot remember the last time I did anything like that. I basically forced myself to stay still. I went to pick her up at noon, brought her home and got her in bed for her nap. As soon as she was down, I made my lunch then headed for my bed. Nap #2! Unbelievable! I had a shower after that second nap and felt soooooooo much better. She and I spent a quiet afternoon, going to the farmers market for tomatoes (I'm making it my mission to try as many different kinds of tomatoes as I can this summer) and hanging out with my mom for a bit. I went to bed early and woke up feeling loads better. Not 100% yet, but lots better.

As others are reporting, my boobs have also shrunk a lot. I'm okay with that -- they were too big anyway. After being pregnant for 9 months, then nursing for nearly a year, they'd been every possible size, and the bras I have don't really fit anyway. 5 more weeks and then I'll get some new ones!

I'm going to go do my workout in a few minutes. New pics are up! Everybody is looking awesome this week!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Day 50: Sick

I've got a cold. I've been feeling it coming on for the past couple of days -- some post-nasal drainage, sore throat -- but I was willing it to go away. It came roaring in last night and, as of this morning, is firmly settled in. Rivers of snot, stuffy in the head, achy in the body. Blaarrrrghhh.

I just dropped my daughter off at day care and went to go jump rope. I re-read Patrick's email about what to do when you're sick on the PCP, and I thought I'd give my workout a try, but wouldn't sweat it if I couldn't do everything. After the first set of jumps, I was woozy and dizzy, so I think I'm done for the moment. I have about 3 hours before I have to pick her up, and then my rest time for the day is pretty much over. So I think I'm going to spend the morning just taking it easy, and hopefully go for a walk or a swim later in the day if I'm feeling better.

This is a delicate mental moment -- in my previous life, I would take just about any excuse to skip a workout, but now I really don't want to give an inch. I want to keep moving forward and giving it my all. I haven't missed a workout yet, in 50 days! That is incredible for me. The perfectionist Tara says that I should put my shoes back on and get back in there. But, wow, I feel like crap. So I'm going to listen to my body and take it easy this morning at least, see how things are later.

Interesting that this happens just as I start to feel like I'm climbing out of the valley! Mentally I am soooooo ready to do that workout today, which is a rare and beautiful thing. I wonder if I can bank that feeling and pull it out another day when my motivation is flagging...

Monday, July 19, 2010

Day 49: A little rest

These jump-rope-only days seem to come along just when I need them. When I'm at the point where I want to throw my resistance bands into the river and I desperately need to sleep a little later in the morning -- yippee, only jump rope today! It just drives home how intensely pleasurable a break can be when you've been working hard. And the hard work is exactly what makes that break such a treat.

And speaking of a treat -- seems like everybody is super-excited about the upcoming indulgence! So am I, and I'm trying to decide exactly how to spend it. I'm thinking about going to one of the restaurants I wanted to try the night we went to the downtown gallery hop -- it's a seasonal cooking kind of place, where the menu changes every night depending on what's good at the market. Some part of me says I should go for the gusto like Jenny -- Chick-fil-a here I come! -- but I was thinking about what I really want to eat, and it's good fresh food. I want to try something a little more interesting and creative than what I'm normally eating, I don't want to have to shy away from cheese or oil or (gasp!) a glass of wine with it, but if I'm honest I don't really want fast food. Not at all. I want something delicious and surprising, prepared by somebody who really knows what they're doing, in a beautiful setting. We're checking on babysitters and hope to go sometime this weekend.

I really feel what Jenny was saying about social isolation in terms of the PCP -- food is SUCH a part of social interaction, it's hard to step back from that and set yourself apart. But I think it does get easier, especially if you can eat at home (yours or someone else's. Restaurants are still near-impossible.). Last night I was at my parents' house for a birthday dinner for my aunt -- apparently, this is Birthday Week -- and I just brought my food with me and explained to everybody what I was doing. I alternated my bites of egg white with feeding my daughter beef ribs, pasta salad, fruit & cake -- so the food was right in front of me the entire time, on my fork. Temptation doesn't get much closer than that. But I really wasn't so tempted. The meat smelled really good, the cake looked good, but this was the easiest time I've had so far in this kind of situation. Sometimes I can hardly believe this is me, feeling okay with my little plate of boiled egg & fruit.

Feeling a little less tired today, a little less Valley. But I know that email with diets & workouts is coming soon -- who knows what it will say this time?? In the meantime, I'm hanging in there and hoping you are too.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Day 47: Misery Loves Company

I wouldn't exactly say that what I'm experiencing now is misery, really -- maybe ennui, maybe angst, maybe a little some other fancy foreign word. I'm not miserable -- that would be more active somehow. I'm not struggling against the PCP, I'm just feeling subsumed by it at the moment.

But the really powerful and amazing thing is to hear that my PCP compatriots are going through the same thing right now! I don't derive joy from someone else's suffering (that would be schadenfreude, by the way) but it does make me feel better to know that I'm not a uniquely weak individual who can't cope with the challenges of this project. To hear that my feelings are normal and predictable and that other people, regardless of where they started, are having similar feelings makes me feel... right on track.

I got some extra rest today, which really helped. I got up super-early so I could work out before my husband left for work -- and I was planning to be on solo kid duty all day long, so I wanted to be able to just relax and eat my lunch while she napped. I ended up sleeping for about 90 minutes while she slept, even though there are so many things I wanted to get done around the house. Then my husband got through with work early, came home and said, "I'm taking her for the afternoon, go do whatever you want." Oh I love that man. They went off to the zoo while I got a manicure and pedicure, a nice treat for my jump-rope-roughed-up feet. I've been sitting on the couch reading a magazine for the last 30 minutes and just breathing deeply. If I get one more good night's sleep tonight I think I'll be in great shape tomorrow.

I can question why I'm feeling this physical fatigue all I want, but it doesn't really matter. I'm not sick, I'm just tired. So when I'm tired, I need to rest. I haven't been making an effort to do that until today.

The mental fatigue is easier for me to understand. I'm making major changes in the way I live my daily life, rewiring my brain in a lot of ways, so it's going to be tiring. I've gone from exercising sporadically and half-assed-ly (is that a word?) to exercising EVERY DAY, deliberately and with attention to what I'm doing. I'm carefully considering everything I eat, and I'm trying to break old habits that evidently still have a foothold within.

My worries about the post-PCP life come from friends asking me "What happens after 90 days?" and I don't really have a great answer yet. I know that any "diet" can work for a certain length of time -- you can lose a lot of weight doing Jenny Craig or Slim Fast or whatever, but if you don't learn how to make your own decisions about eating, you'll go right back to where you were. Patrick's email today about explaining why we do certain things on the PCP made me feel a lot better -- I have more confidence that by the end of this, I'll have the knowledge to keep doing things right, not just because Patrick tells me to eat so many carbs or whatever.

So, in closing: slogging through, hope you are too, onward and upward, time for some egg whites. (Which, I've just discovered, are realllllly improved with a dollop of Grey Poupon!)

Friday, July 16, 2010

Day 46: Tired

I am tired. Really tired. Like, I want to sleep for a few days tired. I'm tired of working out every day. I'm tired of making food, cleaning up after it, and then making food again as soon as I turn around. I'm waiting for some water to boil for my lunch and my eyelids are practically closing themselves.

Why am I so tired? I don't understand. I thought this program would give me more energy, not less. Maybe it has given me more energy and I just haven't noticed it? Maybe I need more than 8 hours of sleep? Maybe it's the fact that my daughter is just randomly saying the word "no" to everything? (We're in a bit of a difficult period at the moment...)

I think now that we've passed the halfway mark, I'm looking ahead to life after the PCP and "borrowing some trouble." I'm already worried that I'm not internalizing this stuff as much as I need to if I'm going to continue living a healthy life after these 90 days are up. I'm still not immune to the siren song of sugar like I had hoped to be. I guess it really has a hold on me. I'm taking comfort in the fact that I'm much less tempted than I used to be, and I'm going to have faith that if I continue to resist, I'll become even more powerful over my cravings.

But the exercise -- am I really going to keep this up after 90 days? I know I shouldn't be worrying about it now, but there it is. I still don't really like it. I like the feeling of satisfaction afterwards, but every workout has at least a few moments where I am completely hating it. What is wrong with me? Shouldn't I be feeling more positive about it by now?

Arrgh, sorry for the brutal honesty. But trying to be transparent and thorough in the hopes that writing some of this stuff down will help me see through it. I'd love to hear how the rest of you are dealing with any negative thoughts!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Day 45: Halfway, baby!

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS to the folks who just finished! You all look amazing, and your guidance has been invaluable. I look forward to hearing how the first few weeks *after* the PCP are going!

Uh oh. This means we're the big kids now. Yikes!

So I have to report on the dinner party last night: wonderful. There were 8 of us in all, my husband, my parents, some old friends who we hadn't seen in years, and some new friends who we just met last year after moving back to Kentucky. It was a nice mixture and we had some really interesting discussions.

Since this was kind of a Bastille Day party, all the food was French. One friend brought some lovely munchies -- baguette, cheese, sausage, cornichons, olives. Everybody snacked on those while my husband cooked an amazing dinner: fish poached in wine with tomatoes and zucchini, potatoes au gratin, and green bean salad with tarragon. There was lots and lots of wine too.

And here's how I handled it: I talked, I sipped lime Perrier in a wine glass, I inhaled deeply all the wonderful smells coming from my kitchen, and I sat down to eat with everybody else and had my egg white & apple & milk (also in a wine glass -- thanks Elena!). I explained to everybody what I was doing and they all said, "Good for you!" I won't pretend it was easy but it was easier than I thought it would be. Since we ate kind of late, my dinner and my evening snack all kind of got folded in together, which meant I had plenty to eat and didn't feel deprived. I looked around the table at my friends all having a good time and I felt very rich indeed.

One of our friends is a professional pastry chef, so she brought dessert:


Beautiful, right? I had my yogurt with honey & pumpkin pie spice (thanks, Royce!) while everybody dug in and tried all the desserts. Again, not totally easy but easier than I would have thought. I had the tiniest taste of the lemon curd tart and I can honestly say I didn't want more -- super sweet. About a third of this stuff is still in my fridge. This is a huge victory for me: to have these kinds of lovely sweets (made by hand by someone I know and love) in my home, and I'm not raiding the fridge at midnight.

One of the reasons it was easier to stick to my plan is that I was wearing a dress last night that I bought in 1994. I don't think I've ever worn it comfortably before, but since I bought it on a trip to France, I've hung onto it. I decided last night was the time to pull it out -- and it looked great! Sooooooo rewarding.

It was also easier to stay with my plan because everybody knew what I was doing. I've taken Patrick's advice very seriously to tell everyone I know, and that really helps to keep me on track. If nobody in the room had known I was changing my habits, it would have been a lot easier to eat with abandon. I've been posting a link to my blog on Facebook every week, and it's amazing the people who are cheering me on and helping to keep me honest.

And now, the morning after the dinner party, I'm tired because I stayed up too late, but I'm not hung over from too much wine or too much food. The kitchen still smells amazing and I'm enjoying that too. I had leftover salmon for breakfast, which was weird but surprisingly okay. Getting ready to go work out.

Wow, halfway through! The changes are just amazing.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Day 43: New pics!

New pics are up! I didn't get a chance to post pictures last week -- things were really busy and I didn't see my husband for a few days, so didn't have his help to take them. I took a few myself but it took forever to work on the setup and in the end didn't have time to keep messing with it. There are eggs to boil, people!

So I'm really happy with the progress I'm seeing, especially in my upper body. My back and shoulders are making me really happy. My boobs have gotten smaller, which is really okay by me. They seem more proportional to my frame now. My legs, butt, and belly all still need a LOT of work. But I've seen a lot of improvement in six weeks and I'm confident that I'll see even more in the next half of this program.

Today's workout kicked my ass! (I could pretty much write this every day.) But I did it all -- with the usual plank failure, but tried my best -- and then really enjoyed my lunch. Big thanks to my husband for cooking some chicken for me so I didn't have to cook later when I was really hungry. :)

More eggs and "protein" for breakfast instead of an egg means gotta plan ahead more. I'm usually in a hurry in the morning -- trying to make my daughter's breakfast as well as my own -- so eggs have been working fine since they're so quick to make. But chicken or fish takes a bit longer. I have to confess that I have some culturally-ingrained ideas about what breakfast is, and in my world, it doesn't include chicken or fish. It's not donuts and coffee either, but I'm really not used to veggies and meat at breakfast. But once I wrap my head around what I'm going to fix, I like it.

We made a change to our social plans for today -- instead of taking my mom out to her favorite French restaurant, we're just going to celebrate with her tomorrow night at home, when we're already having some friends over for dinner. My mom agreed that it didn't make sense for me to try to go to this kind of place to eat -- either I would have to eat literally nothing there, or I could try to pick a "healthy" option but still be off plan. (My husband joked, "I don't think Patrick is all of a sudden going to say that butter and duck fat are okay!") So we'll visit the restaurant again sometime after the PCP is over, and we'll have dinner at home tomorrow where I can eat what I need to eat and enjoy everybody's company.

OK, toddler nap is over, back to work!

Monday, July 12, 2010

Day 42: Celebrations and PCP

Having just gotten through the toddler birthday party with flying colors, I have more challenges ahead this week. When did social events start to look like challenges? When I started the PCP, that's when.

Tomorrow is my mother's birthday, and I know there will be food involved in the celebration. (I'm not going to mention where we're taking her because she reads this blog and I want her to be surprised. No hints, Mom!) And then Wednesday is our daughter's *actual* birthday, which is also Bastille Day, and we're having some French friends over to celebrate. One of the friends is a professional pastry chef (she made our wedding cake and now runs a thriving cake business) and I'm betting she's going to bring something gorgeous and tempting. We might have dinner plans with other friends on Thursday, and then another kid birthday party is coming up Friday.

Wow, just writing all this down surprises me! Since we moved back to Kentucky a year ago, our social calendar has been pretty bare, but it's nice that we're making some friends and having more things to do. But it comes up against one of the hardest things about the PCP: dealing with the social pressure to eat, drink, and be merry.

My friends and family love me and want me to succeed with this, so I'm lucky that I don't have any underminers in my life at the moment. At the same time, I don't like being the one on the "special diet" and having to bring my own food, etc. I don't want to look like the crazy anorexic neurotic person who has to control every bite she puts in her mouth. I want to be the healthy, fit person who has balance in all things. I'm hoping that this week's diet brings a more "normal" dinner instead of the apple/egg white situation, but I'm not holding my breath. :-)

Whatever I'm supposed to eat, I'll eat it. I'll figure it out. I'm very happy with my meals these days, it just becomes tougher in social situations. Just like I did with the birthday party, I'm going to work on focusing on the people around me instead of the food, and I'll make the best choices I can.

Here's a BIG incentive to stick with it: I went to a store and tried on some clothes today, in a dressing room with one of those mirrors that lets you see your back side. Not usually a good thing, in my opinion, but today I was loving it! I'm certainly not where I want to be yet, but I can see SUCH a difference. The most surprising thing was that I can see a lot less cellulite! The lumpy bumpy stuff is going away and my overall shape is getting smoother. Yippee!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Day 41: Recover & Regroup

It's been a busy few days around here, culminating in the 2-year-old's birthday party yesterday afternoon. We had about 25 people here, including 4 kids, and everybody had a wonderful time. Our daughter Maya was delighted to have all 4 of her grandparents here, her aunt & uncle & 1-year-old cousin, and other neighbors and friends. Our friend Izumi from Tokyo played Maya's current favorite song on the piano (the theme from "Ponyo") and then everybody sang Happy Birthday. We let Maya stay up past her bedtime, then she happily went to bed and we heard her singing to herself as she fell asleep, "Happy birthday to you... happy birthday to you... happy birthday to you..." I feel truly blessed to have such wonderful friends and family and a great little kid.

From a PCP standpoint, I did really well. I got my workout done in the early morning, then stuck absolutely to the diet through lunch. The party started at 4, and from that point on I ate only fruit & veggies. (I made sure there was plenty of both on the table, along with the sandwiches and cheese and meatballs, etc.) I had one bite of birthday cake, which was so delicious, so rich and so satisfying that I didn't even want more. I forgot to eat my evening egg white & milk -- the last guests didn't leave until about 10pm -- but I'm okay with letting that slide a little bit. My perfectionist tendencies tell me that I should have kept exactly to my PCP diet NO MATTER WHAT, but when I think realistically about it, I think I did great. I had a houseful of guests to tend to and lots of un-PCP food around, and I managed to stick to fruit/veg and have a wonderful time.

So many people told me how great I looked and asked what I've been doing to lose weight. I usually said, "Oh, you know, boring stuff like exercising a lot and changing what I eat." When people asked for details I told them, and it was fun to watch the shock on their faces. "Wow, that's really strict! No sugar? No alcohol??" It's amazing how I'm not really feeling deprived anymore, because the rewards are really wonderful. I had a fabulous time at the party, and I didn't really miss what I wasn't eating. I was actually focused on my guests instead of what I was going to eat next.

And now it's the morning after, and I'm back on the PCP track. I'm so happy that an unusual day like yesterday doesn't mean I'm tempted to throw the whole thing out, like I might have in the past. Today it's just, okay, back to business. Since my in-laws are visiting and sleeping in the basement where I normally work out, I didn't work out this morning and I'll do it later in the day instead. Had my normal breakfast while everybody else had pancakes, and it was fine. Looking forward to a lighter exercise day again tomorrow, and to seeing what the next week's diets will bring.

I'm posting a few pictures of the birthday party below. Hope everybody has had a great weekend!




Friday, July 9, 2010

Day 39: Sore, awesome

Lots to do to get ready for the kiddo's birthday party tomorrow so blogging will be brief. Did my whole workout this morning, feeling all the more virtuous because I know that I'm burning more fat than I would if I were working out later in the day. I do the morning workouts because they fit best with my schedule, though, so it's nice to know I'm getting added benefit from something I'm already doing! How often does that happen?!

My legs are sore, sore, sore. So much leg work this week! I can really feel my muscles getting stronger, though, so it's worth it. Abs and back also sore this week too. My arms aren't sore today but I am loving the way they look so much!

And I just have to brag a little bit on my Jedi move this morning: opened a bag of M&Ms and didn't eat one. Let me explain... we're using M&Ms to help my daughter in potty training. A friend suggested we give her one M&M every time she uses the potty, and it really is working. (I'm starting to question this, actually, since I don't want to set her up for a lifetime of feeling rewarded by sugar, but here we are...) We have a little tin of them that had been a party favor somewhere, but when the tin was empty, I bought another bag. This morning, I opened the bag, refilled the tin, wrapped the rest of the bag up and put it in her closet. A month or two ago, I would have helped myself to a few because, well, they're M&Ms and they're there. A couple of weeks ago, I would have had "just one" because, duh, chocolate. But today, I wasn't interested. I know there's an open bag of M&Ms in her closet, I can get some anytime I want and nobody has to know, but it's just not what I want right now. They're really not that appealing. (Uh, who am I again? Wow!)

Hope everybody has a terrific day!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Day 38: Planks!

This is a really tough workout week overall -- lots of new exercises, all of them difficult. The new ones are interesting because I get to figure out how they work and where I should be feeling the burn. The old ones are interesting because I'm still figuring out how they work and where to feel the burn.

I used to do a lot of yoga before having my daughter, and one of the most important things I still use from my yoga practice is being aware of my body -- paying attention to what my muscles are doing, how my joints are moving, what happens to my hip if I rotate my foot outward, etc. It keeps my mind engaged and makes the exercise more interesting. So I'm trying to apply that same kind of attention here.

I also did a lot of prenatal yoga classes when I was expecting, and the best thing I think I learned there was how to keep a calm mind in an uncomfortable situation. Not that I always know how to do this, mind you -- but it was really helpful during delivery, when I had my ankles in the air and lots of pain. (Funny aside: there was a medical student in the delivery room who held one of my legs, saw everything that was going on, and I never even learned his name.) Calm breathing helped me get through the contractions (and later, so did an epidural) and in the end I can say I had a positive birth experience.

So I took that experience, and the advice from all of you guys, and tried to focus on my breathing today during those $&*@# planks. I changed my music too -- I was listening to something really energetic and kind of aggressive, but I put on something quietly ecstatic instead. When I got to a point in the plank where my muscles started to shake and I was inclined to freak out, I focused on getting quieter and calmer, instead of throwing more aggressive energy at the problem. I tried to relax my jaw and relax my forehead.

And guess what? It worked!

Well, mostly.

I got through the first 2 planks for the full time. Yippee! On the third one, I freaked out and bailed at about 25 seconds. It happened so quickly -- I didn't even think about bailing, I just did it. Then I was lying on the floor, thinking, "What just happened?" Instinct had taken over. I took a couple of deep breaths, and was able to do the last plank for the full duration, focusing on calm, quiet, deep strength.

This time, they were happy tears.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Day 37: Cry Me A River

So, somebody remind me again: why are tears a good thing in PCP-world? Because I had a very good workout.

It was the long sets of creep that got me today, after pistol squats, after jumping rope. It doesn't help that I'm really tired -- got up at 3:30am again this morning to do the early shift at the radio station. (But that's all for radio this week.) After the last set of creep, I just fell backwards in relief and spontaneously started sobbing. Since nobody else was home, I really let it fly. I got up after about a minute, wiped my tears away, and started on the chest dips. A couple more times before the end of the workout, I thought I was going to cry, but I didn't. Got through it all and gratefully took my shower.

I don't know where these tears come from or why they surface when they do. Yeah, some of these exercises are hard, but the pain is really temporary. And it's a totally different pain from when you stub your toe or wrench your back or something -- it's not an "I'm hurt" pain, it's a "working hard" pain. But I can say for sure that I've never worked this hard in my life. Every single day I'm doing more than I've ever done before. Which is awesome, and difficult. And awesome.

I'll be the first one to admit that I have a tendency to cry rather easily, in sad times and in happy times. But I've rarely cried during any kind of workout before this. The only other time I can remember was during a very long pigeon pose in a long-ago yoga class. Crying usually means I'm overwhelmed, and I usually take it as a signal to back off. But maybe crying doesn't mean that here? It's hard to know when to push harder and when to release a bit.

The big problem with crying in a workout is that it makes me feel like a weak whiny crybaby, even if I finish all my exercises. It's macho to grunt and holler and curse through that last set, but to cry through it feels really wussy. I hate feeling that way, and I know I was stalling this morning on starting my workout because I was afraid it would happen.

And my day rolls on... just finished lunch, hoping to close my eyes for a few minutes while my daughter naps, then headed to a "launch party" for the July issue of Louisville Magazine, which includes my article. (If you want to see the article, click here, then click through to page 34, where my piece begins.) I'm psyched about having all these good things going on, I just need the world to stop for a couple of hours so I can rest. Tomorrow, Friday & Saturday are going to be all about the birthday party.

Hope everybody is doing well and hanging in there with these tough workouts!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Day 36: Mind games?

My alarm went off at 3:30am this morning -- what time did YOU get up??


Actually, it was all okay. I had packed up my breakfast and morning snack the night before, ate some at home, ate in the car, ate at the radio station. Sometimes I feel like I'm just constantly eating. (But better than being hungry all the time, like every other time I've tried to lose weight or get in better shape.) I finished at 9am (thanks for listening, Jenny!) and headed home to work out.

Guess what? Jumping rope can actually be fun when you don't have knee pain! I really enjoyed my 1000 jumps today. I can tell how much stronger my cardiovascular conditioning is these days -- I don't get nearly as out of breath as I used to.

The Pro Tip of the day made me laugh: "If pistol squats are difficult for you..." IF?? Uh, yeah, they're difficult. Thank you, bathroom counter!

Also difficult: bicycle. Here's a problem I had with bicycle and with leg-ups: cramping along the outside of my left hip. I'm guessing it's because my abdominals are just not strong enough yet so I'm using some other muscle to do the motion? Any suggested stretches? It's really distracting.

But planks really got me today. Oh, plank, you are unforgiving. I could not stay up for 40 seconds at a time. First set, got there. Second set, more like 30 seconds before collapsing. The next two were even shorter so I just kept trying to stay up as long as I could, repeatedly, until I was a puddle on the floor. Am I really supposed to be able to get through 4 40-second planks at this point? Or is it an unattainable goal that I'm supposed to work towards nonetheless? I was feeling really discouraged, because I was giving everything I had and still couldn't do what was prescribed for today.

Or was I really giving everything? How do I know? I felt weak, wobbly, nauseous. I was grunting and yelling and gritting my teeth. (My throat is sore and scratchy now from yelling -- not a great thing for a radio announcer...) My point is: it was extremely intense, but how do I know I was doing my best? Could I have done more today? I just don't know.

I conked out for a 15-minute nap right after my shower, before I had to pick up my daughter, which I think will give me the energy to get through the rest of the day. Later on, I have to go right into the belly of the beast: going to this wonderful bakery to order a cake for the birthday party this Saturday. I'm not sure what kind of cake I'm going to get, and my mom suggested I sample a few to decide, but I think I'll let the toddler do the sampling and see what she likes. No reason to confuse my system with a bunch of sugar.

Back on the early shift again tomorrow morning!

Monday, July 5, 2010

Day 35: The clouds are parting

I'm starting to feel like the funk I've been in is lifting. I'm C-ingTFU. (See day 34 post if you don't know what that means.) Just feeling more optimistic, more capable, and more motivated. I think this jump-rope-only day came at *just* the right time. I needed to have an easier exercise day before I dive into another week.

And here's what's amazing: 900 jumps felt like an "easier" day. (I'm still working my way up to where the rest of the group is, but adding 100 a day.) On the first day of the PCP, I struggled to get through 250 jumps. I did them in sets of 50 and I think it took me almost 20 minutes. Today, I did 900 jumps, in sets of 200 (last set of 300) and it took me about 20 minutes. I like seeing how I've come so far in a relatively short time.

What else is different? I've gone down a whole dress size, which is awesome. My whole body is thinner but I can see it especially in my face, shoulders, and torso. (My hips and thighs are smaller too, but I've got more to lose there.) I'm really enjoying my food these days, instead of scarfing it down and then feeling guilty about it. When I go to the farmers' market, I feel like I'm in a candy store -- look, eggplant! Green beans! Beets! Eggs! And when I get through that last set of leg-ups or bicep curls, I feel like a badass. A tired badass, but still.

This is going to be a challenging week as far as work and personal things. I'm filling in as the Morning Edition host on my local NPR News station tomorrow and Wednesday, which means being on the air from 5-9 am. (If you're up, click on over and listen!) Wednesday evening I'm going to a reception for the July issue of Louisville Magazine, which includes a story I wrote about a local farmer & sustainable food activist. (The article's not online yet but I'll post a link when it is!) Then on Saturday we're throwing a party to celebrate our daughter's 2nd birthday. The party means I'll be planning and preparing a lot of food that I'm not going to eat myself -- yikes! But I'm excited about seeing some friends & family who haven't seen me in a while, and that motivation is going to help carry me through the week.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to all of you who posted encouraging comments to me this week. It really helps! Hope you guys all enjoyed your weekend and are looking forward to heading into week 6. Can you believe we're almost halfway through??

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Day 34: CTFU

CTFU = cheer the f*** up.

This is a little in-joke between me and my husband -- when I'm feeling unreasonably grumpy, he says, "Hey. CTFU." And it always makes me laugh.

It's time to CTFU about the PCP. I've been grumping my way through the workouts, I've been gazingly longingly at all the food I'm *not* eating, I've been "poor me"-ing through the past few days. I'm doing the plan the way I'm supposed to, but my thoughts are making it a lot worse than it has to be.

I've heard it before: pain is inevitable, suffering is not. Any day that includes 4 sets of 25 leg-ups is definitely going to contain pain. But can I find a way to let go of some of the suffering?

I'm saying all this in a purely theoretical way at the moment -- I already did my workout this morning and I was in a wash of pain AND suffering. I went to church with my parents this morning and sat through the post-church potluck lunch munching on raw carrots -- that was pain (because I was hungry) and suffering (because all the food looked really good). Several people said, "Oh, you're not eating?" Um, nope. This is a Unitarian church so it was heavy on the vegetables/grains and I considered getting myself a plate -- but we're still in the South so I decided to pass, thinking everything would be full of oil and salt. Better to wait until I got home and could eat exactly what I need.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow and my jump-rope-only workout (I did 800 jumps today with no pain! Adding 100 every day, and I'll be caught up to the rest of you by the end of this week.) and I'm going to take the time to really think about why I'm doing this in the first place and see how I can be in less of a bad mood about it.

Thanks to my PCP team, who have been giving me the good thoughts and words when I need them! I'm so proud of all of us!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Day 33: Keepin' on keepin' on

Got up at 6am to do my workout this morning, because my husband is working all weekend and there's no daycare today, tomorrow or Monday. I can always exercise when my daughter is napping, but it's really nicer to be able to take that time to enjoy my lunch, read a little bit, and maybe have a short nap myself. I don't really enjoy when that alarm goes off at 6 but I'm happy when I'm finished with the workout and I feel very virtuous as I eat my breakfast.

I have to be honest and say that I've been dreading the workouts all week. They've gotten so much harder that I am really pushing myself to get through them. I'm proud of myself because I have done every single rep of every single exercise, except for the day I misunderstood and substituted 8MA for the leg-ups and planks -- an honest oops. But I'm definitely not enjoying the workouts as much as I used to. On one level, it doesn't really matter how much I enjoy them -- I'm doing it anyway, and I'm giving everything I have. I was complaining about this to my mom yesterday, and she reminded me that I won't have to work out to this extent every day for the rest of my life. That was really helpful. Plain and simple, I'm not used to working this hard. But that's why I was in the condition I was when I started the PCP, and if I want to change my condition, I have to change my actions.

But damn, these workouts are rough!

This is a point in my monthly cycle when my energy is pretty low, though, and that also explains the crazy sugar cravings. So, gotta push through, keep doing my best, rest when I can, and maybe things will be better next week.

Last night my husband and I went to a "gallery hop" in the growing gallery district here in Louisville. It's in an area of downtown that's just coming back from ruin, which of course is the hippest part of town. Lots of amazing field-to-table restaurants, interesting art galleries and other shops. There are always a couple of bands that just show up and play on the street, and especially on a beautiful summer evening, it's fun to wander up and down the street, popping into whatever gallery catches your eye. We saw a very large photo last night that we both found totally captivating -- here's a link to the image.

Every single place we entered had some wine, cheese & crackers, etc, set out -- normally I would have been snacking my way up and down the street, but I didn't have a single bite. It was easier than I would have thought -- I had already eaten my dinner and really wasn't hungry. But I also felt somewhat isolated. The gallery food wasn't the big temptation -- yum, warm sweaty cheese and cheap wine! -- but the lovely restaurants and big tables of people enjoying themselves were. We've gone to these evenings before, and normally we have dinner somewhere in the neighborhood before. It's nice to feel like part of society, even if that society is not in "peak condition." I know that this is what I have to do now, and I'm looking forward to that day when I can eat in a restaurant, making better food & drink choices than I used to, but still enjoying the setting and the company.

Hope everybody's having a great weekend!

Friday, July 2, 2010

Day 32: Sore but smiling

Three quick thoughts for this morning, before I go do my workout:

1. I'm sore! I haven't been this sore since the first week, but yesterday and today I'm sore all over. I think that doubling up on the exercises, as we've started doing this week, has been a shock to my body. As usual, I'm of two minds on this: I'm glad that I'm sore because it means I'm doing something, and being sore makes it harder to get started on the next workout. I crawled out of bed this morning and got some ibuprofen, feeling better now.

2. Sugar craving insanity! I don't know what's going on with me this week, but I'm reallllly wanting some sugar. It's what I reach for when I'm stressed, and I've had a few rough days this week. And for some reason, I keep finding myself in the grocery store around 4 or 5 in the afternoon, picking up some carrots or some milk or whatever, and the candy is just speaking to me. I have managed to stay away and I'm very proud of myself. I even found a container of gumdrops in the back of my pantry that I had completely forgotten about, and I had a moment of "Oh, just one...." but instead I THREW THEM AWAY. With great effort, I'm managing my behavior, but still struggling internally with this habit.

3. Smaller pants! I put on my jeans this morning and just decided they looked too droopy to wear. Tried on some other jeans -- even worse! Woo hoo! Dug deep, to the bottom of a basket, for some pants I haven't been able to wear in a few years, and they EASILY went on. They're a size smaller than what I've been wearing in the last couple of years. One of the reasons that I started the PCP is that I refused to buy new clothes -- my larger stuff wasn't fitting well but I was NOT going to spend money on even bigger things. Looks like I need to go shopping again... but I think I'll wait until the end of August. :) It's wonderful to have this reinforcement that the soreness and the no-sugar plan are worth all the effort.

Happy Friday, everybody!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Day 31: Come on, gang! Get tight!

Yes, I did 8 Minute Abs this morning. Too funny! I think the low production values and goofy vibe made it totally entertaining. But I definitely felt it!

I'm struggling this morning and feeling grumpy. The workout today really kicked my ass. I was a quivering ball of exhaustion after the floor jumps. (But felt like I had done them correctly!) I couldn't sustain more than one set of elevated triceps dips -- on the second set, I actually fell onto the floor, so finished up the sets with my legs straight but feet on the floor. Double katanas are pretty much impossible -- even with standing only one foot on the band, I can move my arms about two inches, so that's what I'm doing. And I just could not bear the idea of planks today, so 8MA it was.

I'm trying to get my head around this idea that failure is good here. That when I'm rolling on the floor moaning after the last set of floor jumps, that's actually a sign of success. My intellect tells me that reaching the point of failure means I am making progress. My ego wants to stop feeling like such a weakling, wants to do what I can do well and be proud of that. Everything feels upside down when I try to look at reaching my limits (or whatever my limits are today) as a positive sign. Sometimes I can only focus on how pitiful those limits seem to me.

But, as my husband said this morning, "You're less of a weakling than you used to be!" Thanks, honey. (At least he made me laugh.)

I've had a couple of other things happen in the past couple of days that have undermined my confidence. I had a small car accident on Tuesday -- nobody was hurt, just me vs. parking garage gate, but it did some damage -- so I'm spending my time taking the car in for estimates, talking to insurance, and being mad at myself for rushing and making an error. And parenting really kicked my ass yesterday too. My daughter is almost 2 years old, very verbal, very independent, and she's interested in exploring her (my) limits too! Normally she's a lot of fun to be with, although she can be tiring, but yesterday she was repeating one particular aggressive behavior and it took a long time and a lot of work to get her to stop. I was really grateful when the day was over.

I'm glad I got the workout done early this morning again -- at least that's over! I think today I'm hitting more of the "grim" in GRIM ENTHUSIASM. Some days are like that. I think I'll take the next couple of hours to chill out and see if I can get my mojo back.

Hope everybody is hanging in there! And welcome to the new PCPers! As Royce would say, WEEEOOOOOOO.