Day 30: Change in routine

Just time for a brief post today, but I decided to change things up and do my workout first thing in the morning instead of once my daughter goes to daycare. I crept out of bed at 6am and was finished by a little after 7, then had time to shower and eat breakfast since my daughter slept uncharacteristically late. It was good! I really like getting it taken care of early, and then I have her daycare time and her naptime to do other things. The downside? I was in bed by 10pm, but couldn't get to sleep until somewhere around midnight. I know I didn't get enough sleep but I feel pretty good so far, at almost 2pm now. I'm going to try another early morning workout tomorrow.

Chest dips? Nuh-uh. I don't have enough strength and control to lift myself up and down, so I settled for just getting my feet off the floor and holding myself up. Over and over and over. That seemed to make my chest muscles burn, so I think that's a good way to start. Leg-ups were murderous today. Creep made me laugh because I just collapsed backwards onto the floor at the end of every set.

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention: I'm jumping again! Yay! A few days ago I realized that I wasn't having any more knee pain. I started with 100 jumps and have been adding 100 jumps a day, so now I'm up to 400. My jump-roping technique needs some work but I think I'll be back up to speed before long. I'm reminded again of how hard it can be, and how frustrating sometimes, but it simplifies my workout so much to be able to just jump. I like having the option to walk or swim if I feel like it, but I'm really happy to be back to jumping.

30 days, baby! That's one-third of the way through!

Day 29: Acceptance or Aversion?

Funny things happen when you start to see results on a program like this. At the very same moment, you can feel re-energized and re-committed to your efforts, and also ready to slack off a little bit because you don't look quite as bad as you used to. This is the conundrum I find myself in today. I have lost an incredible 12 pounds (this is astonishing to me -- how is that possible?) and people around me can see the difference. There are clothes in my closet that haven't fit in a long time, and now they do. So while part of me is like, "Awesome! Wonder how much further I can get with 8 more weeks of this?" there's another part saying, "Awesome! Time for a break!"

I haven't given in to the "take a break" impulse but I can definitely feel it's there. It manifests as resentment. Somehow one part of my brain thinks I'm the only person in the world who has to exercise and eat right in order to be in shape. I see other people eating and drinking "normally" and I start to feel sorry for myself. I'm trying to remind myself about the difference between momentary pleasure and the long-lasting effects of good health. I'm trying to remind myself of how rotten I felt after that piece of cake. Patrick said most of the food cravings should be gone by now -- I've been very strict, no cheating, but some of the cravings are still whispering to me.

My parents kept my daughter overnight last night (as they do once a month) so my husband and I could go out. We wanted to go out for dinner, but I was nervous about where I could go to get anything PCP-friendly. We settled on a nearby seafood restaurant where I was able to order a piece of grilled tilapia (no salt, no oil, please leave off the shallot butter that usually comes with) and a double serving of steamed veggies (no salt, please) instead of veggies plus mashed potatoes. I sipped Pellegrino with lime. I was glad I was still eating according to plan (although I had to guess on the portion sizes) but it was annoying to see everybody around me eating crab cakes, oysters, fried shrimp. One of many reasons why it's easier to eat at home these days!

I have to admit that the new diet for this week has thrown me for a loop. Fruit and milk and egg white for supper -- really?? My husband and I have reached a detente on the salt issue, so that we've been able to eat dinner together for the past couple of weeks, but this throws a real wrench into our plans. I don't mind it so much for myself -- it's actually kind of appealing, especially in this hot weather -- but since I am largely responsible for feeding 2 other people in addition to myself, this kind of meal isn't ideal. BUT -- we'll figure it out, we always do.

When I looked at today's workout, I thought, "Oh cool, we get to choose which leg exercise, and which back exercise, and which ab exercise..." HA! It took me a second to realize that we're supposed to do BOTH. Things are really getting cranked up! The plank today did not make me break down in tears, but it was plenty tough, especially after 100 sit-ups!

I want to say again how grateful I am for my PCP teammates. I love that we're all in different places in our lives and in different places around the world, and we're supporting each other so wholeheartedly. Each of you is bringing your own viewpoint to this project and I'm finding it so helpful to read your blogs and be reminded of those different perspectives. Thank you all, and thank you Patrick and Chen!

UPDATE: a sobering piece of news about my home state.

Day 27: Indulgence Coma

Here it is, the carrot cake that served as my indulgence yesterday. We didn't have time to go to the bakery I really wanted to visit but my husband reminded me about another good place closer to us. Look at this massive hunk of cake. Even before PCP I would have been happy with a slice half this size. I am still stunned at restaurant portions of food and what people think is a "piece" of cake.

The cake was yummy, moist and full of nuts, and spiced just right. The icing was a little gelatinous, not really great. Usually the icing is my favorite part of carrot cake, but not this one. All in all, it was pretty good, although I couldn't get anywhere near finishing it all. After a few bites, I felt like I had tasted it and didn't need to eat more. And it was, to use Elena's word, meh.

The funny thing was what happened afterwards -- a wave of fatigue just hit me suddenly, about 45 minutes after eating the cake. I was driving and I started yawning uncontrollably. We got home and all of my limbs felt heavy, my eyelids felt heavy, and all I could do was sit on the couch. I was tempted to take a nap, but there wasn't time. Wow. I never remember having such a strong reaction to sugar before. Maybe I didn't realize how much better I've been feeling. It took about 20 minutes to recover and start to feel like myself again, and then I really enjoyed my healthy dinner.

It was nice to eat something "indulgent" without feeling the least bit guilty, so that in itself was a new experience. I'm not sure that I really had the best carrot cake in town, so the Platonic ideal of carrot cake is still sitting there in my mind, taunting me a little bit. But the way I felt afterward was so awful that the temptation is much less powerful. This exercise was extremely instructive, in showing me that what I think I want really doesn't make me feel good at all. It's not about some external idea of what is "good" or "bad" behavior, but about how I want to feel. The whole time I was feeling zoned out, I was trying to pay attention and remember those sensations so I can call on them the next time I want some sweets.

And here's the kicker: I had a bowl of beautiful ripe cherries for my evening snack, and they were soooo good. With every bite, I kept saying, yum, these are so delicious. I enjoyed them a lot more than the cake, and I didn't feel terrible after finishing them. I can hardly believe this is me saying that cherries were better than carrot cake, but I can also hardly believe I'm the person working out every day. (I'm also the person who's lost 10 pounds this month so BOO-YA.)

Oddly, looking forward to the workout today too. What is happening to me?? :-)

Day 26: Tears and Carrot Cake

First PCP tears today, after third 30-second plank. I read about the other group doing 90-second planks and I am incredulous, but I try not to think about it, because my job now is to do 3 30-second planks with 15-second rest. I got through it all today, with much trembling and grunting and teeth-clenching, and then after the final one, collapse on the floor and spontaneous tears. I'm not sure where the tears came from -- relief, maybe? Exhaustion? Going to a place I haven't been before? I was okay after about 30 seconds and I feel just fine now, even cleansed a little bit. I feel like I just passed some kind of test.

Good news: my knee is feeling a lot better! I did 30 minutes on the elliptical today but then did 100 jumps, just to see. OK, a little twinge, not great, but better. I'm really happy to feel some improvement.

Going for my indulgence later today: it's going to be carrot cake. (Royce, are you doing carrot cake too? My brother!) I've done some research and it looks like this place has the best carrot cake in town. My husband and daughter are going to come along, too, and we'll all enjoy a little something sweet together.

I'm looking forward to it, although my bad habits *never* included going to a cafe in the afternoon for a piece of cake. I'm thinking I may also pick up something junky at the grocery store and have a bite or two, just to see what that's like, because that was my habit until last month. It's embarrassing to admit that this is what I used to do -- I never told anybody about it, and now here I am writing it on the Internets -- but I'm hoping that the embarrassment I feel will help keep me from picking up that habit again in the future.

I hope everybody -- including our vacationing PCPers -- is having a lovely Saturday!

Day 25: Making it work... again

OK, here's how my day has gone so far:

5:30 - Alarm goes off, get dressed, scramble an egg, drink some milk, put coffee in to-go cup, grab rest of breakfast and fruit from fridge (measured last night), munch the remainder of breakfast in the car.

6:30 - Get to radio station, play 4 hours of classical music.

11:00 - Race back home, grab swimsuit & goggles stashed in the car, swim 30 minutes. Dry off, change, pick up my daughter at noon.

12:30 - Daughter in bed for her nap, go change clothes again, do rest of the workout. Holy CRAP v-sits are hard. Awkward is not the word. I laughed my way through them because I felt so silly. Floor jumps were scary in theory but really fun in practice.

1:30 - Showered, made lunch, eating. Daughter will probably wake up in the next 30 minutes, then we're going to the library and the grocery. I'm on duty until she goes to bed around 7:30, at which point I will probably pass out.

Whew! I'm tired just thinking about it all. But I got my workout in today and for that I'm happy. The new exercises were fun, and I'm totally surprised to hear myself saying that.

I was excited to see Patrick's email about the coming indulgence, and I have to say that it also makes me a little nervous. I've done so well with resisting certain things that I'm afraid I'll unleash the beast again, so to speak. I'm trying to decide if I should get what I *really* want or go for something a little less sugar-laden. I'm leaning towards going for what I want (I think that would be carrot cake) because I don't want to waste my indulgence on something so-so. It still might not be all that but I want to put in my best effort here too!

And just in case Patrick's rules for eating get you too confused, or you get tired of following them, here's another set of rules I found online today. This list reminds me of the episode of the Simpsons where Dr. Nick tells Marge about a new diet: she can eat whatever she wants, whenever she wants. Marge says, "Wow, and you still lose weight?" He shrugs and says, "Well, you might. It's a free country!"

Happy Friday, everybody!

Day 24: Cravings? What Cravings?

Patrick's post today about changing habits and being strict at first really hit home with me. I've had a bad habit of picking up a "treat" for myself every time I go to the grocery store, drugstore, Target, wherever there are sweets near the checkout. A couple of months ago I decided that if I could just cut out those treats, I'd be in a lot better shape. I stopped cold turkey for a while but then backslid, and then was continuing to get those sweets up until the day I started the PCP. Since then, I haven't done it once, but I've thought about it every time I was in a store.

This morning, I ran into Target to pick up a new battery for my food scale, and it was only as I was walking out the door with my purchase that I realized I hadn't thought about getting myself something sweet. It just didn't come up. I walked all over that store looking for the batteries, and I looked at a lot of other things, but not food.

(Let's not discuss how pitiful it is that I've been eating crap from Target. We're not here to judge, people. (I'm saying that to remind myself not to judge, just observe and make changes. Blurrggh.))

So hurrah! Something is actually changing inside!

Something that's not changing so quickly is my knee, which is still giving me varying amounts of trouble. Patrick had advised me to stay away from the jumprope until it's better, but that I don't have to wait until I'm totally pain-free. So this morning, after my 30 min on the elliptical but before I started the rest of my workout, I picked up the jumprope. Ouch! Nope, still can't jump. Frustrating!!

If I can't jump, this makes my day a lot more complicated. I either have to drive 15 minutes to the gym (and my membership expires at the end of June because I decided I didn't need it anymore), or walk an hour in the blazing heat, or go swimming at the pool which doesn't open until 11am (which is an hour before I need to pick up my daughter at daycare). If I can't jump, it's tough to get in my workout on the days that I'm on solo with my daughter, because I can jump and do everything else while she's napping, but I can't leave the house. Not jumping means more time spent working out, which is the one thing I have to manage most carefully. I'm thinking of every possible alternative -- I may have to get a sitter for a couple of hours, or I may be working out at 5am for the next few days, just to make sure it gets done. Add to the complication that I'm going to be working at the radio station several times over the next few days, and I'm just not sure how it's going to get done.

But it will get done. For 24 days straight, I have gotten it done. Every day feels like a victory. I just have to stay one day ahead of things and make sure I have a plan for tomorrow.

I've been inspired by all of you really digging in to your workout and going for the burn, so I took that inspiration into my workout today. It was really tough but I didn't mind it! It felt like my eyes were going to pop out of my sockets on the last set of plank. Does that mean I'm doing it right? It didn't look that way in the picture. ;-)

Michelle Obama is awesome

And here's how I know that to be true.

Day 23: Resistance is futile

It was 85 degrees F (29.4 C) at 9:00 this morning so I went to the gym to get on the elliptical. I don't know anything about soccer but I watched the USA-Algeria match anyway. 30 minutes went by quickly. Felt good, sweating buckets.

Triceps dips = hilarious. I tried for the first time to do them with straight legs, and my ass just fell right on the floor. OK, then, I guess I'm not ready for that. I did the maximum number of reps with bent legs, while paying careful attention to make sure I was using my arms to get up and down, rather than just lifting my butt up and down. Youch.

LEG UPS. ARE. AWFUL. I was getting a little cocky because they had been getting a little easier, but something was different today and I was groaning before the end of my first set (of four). I was glad that nobody else was home because I was yowling through the last two sets. I considered skipping the last set. I reallllly thought about it. After all, who's going to know? Oh, right, me.

This is marking a major shift in my thinking about diet & exercise. Before PCP, I tended to eat pretty well in front of other people because I didn't want to be judged, but I ate all sorts of crap when I was alone. (This post from Patrick really made me think.) This is hard for me to admit, but there it is. But my body didn't know if I was alone or in a crowd -- calories are calories. I don't know why it took me so long to get that magical thinking doesn't work in this arena, but I finally understand.

Same with exercise -- I could skip that last set of leg-ups and nobody would be the wiser. But the muscles I was working won't get that last wringing out. I realized, as I was lying on the floor, that the only way to get the benefit of the exercise was to DO IT. Major duh, I know. But when you're trying to find a way to get out of doing something painful and difficult, you can be incredibly creative. You've heard the phrase "the wisdom of no escape?" There was no escape from the friggin leg-ups. So I did them. Yowling.

Is it possible to eat too much avocado on the PCP? Cause I'm digging in nearly every day now. Big ups to my husband, who made guacamole last night and set aside a separate salt-free portion for me!

OK, naptime. Hope everybody's day is going well!

New pics are up!

This week's pictures are up! I'm so thrilled that I can actually SEE a difference. And I've lost nearly 8 pounds (3.6 kg) since the beginning of this project. I still have a long way to go but I'm really pleased with the results so far. (Note: I have not worn shorts in FOREVER.)

Off to do my workout! Here's a picture of a gorgeous sunset we had here the other night, taken from our porch.

Day 22: Habits

I read somewhere that it takes 6 weeks to effectively change a habit and/or establish a new habit. If that's true, we're halfway through!

I enjoyed Elena's post from last week about how she noticed she was reaching for food when things got stressful at the office, because I'm the same way. We had a hectic morning at my house, after a night with very interrupted sleep -- my daughter is a little under the weather and was up much of the night coughing, so we decided she needed to go to the doctor. My husband is off work today and he agreed to take her so that I could exercise (yay, husband!) because I'm working this afternoon. (This post coming to you from the studio of Classical 90.5 WUOL -- I'm on the air until 7pm if you want to listen in!) Just as I was leaving for work, my husband and I were talking about a myriad of things that need to get done around the house, and I started to feel a bit overwhelmed. As I pulled out of the driveway, I was thinking about stopping at Starbucks for an iced green tea (it's a delicious minty blend and really refreshing on a hot day) and then I automatically thought, oh, and I can get a cookie or something too! Yessss!

The next thought, which followed immediately, was, but I'm not doing cookies right now. Why was I thinking about a cookie? Because I was feeling stressed out and that's my habit. But a cookie's not going to help in any real way. Cookies don't clean my house or give me more hours in the day or make my daughter's ear infection go away. They do give me a brief moment of pleasure, but I can tell you, I have been enjoying these gorgeous cherries I'm eating every night more than a damn industrial cookie from Starbucks, of all places. It was very interesting to watch that process and see where I instinctively reached in a stressful moment.

I'm spending so much time working out and dealing with meals (planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning up) that some other household tasks have fallen by the wayside. It's starting to get on my nerves. I'm hoping I can get better at the food angle, more efficient, so I'm not eating the same things all the time but not putting three pots on the stove for lunch anymore either. I'll figure it out. We're in the middle of an extreme heat wave here in Kentucky -- temperatures above 90 degrees F for the last week at least, and due to continue for the next week too -- so I think that's making me a little irritable.

I am infinitely cheered up by my shoulders, though. I think I'm in love with my shoulders. I don't want it to sound as though I'm only complaining -- I'm really enjoying the changes I'm seeing. My body is responding to what I've been doing, and my mind is coming along too.

Day 21: Success and paranoia

OK, it's been almost 3 weeks on this plan as of today. I can hardly believe it's been such a short time, because I'm feeling so many changes already, inside and out.

I can look at myself in the mirror and see some definition in my arms, my waist is smaller, my hips are slimmer, and my legs are thinner. This is amazing, after only 3 weeks. I can feel how I'm getting stronger, by virtue of how many sets I can do of certain exercises -- I was feeling the burn a lot earlier a couple of weeks ago, but now it takes more reps to start to feel it. I am so proud of myself and my PCP teammates!

So now the paranoia sets in, because I have this funny thing about success: I'm always sure that I'm failing somehow, even if everything looks good. Today while I was swimming, here's what was going through my head:

Even though I've been walking or swimming every day, I still haven't gone back to the jumprope because my knee is still painful. I wonder if that means I won't lose any weight this week. Am I somehow doing something wrong and don't even know it? Am I measuring my food correctly? Is there just something about my body that's going to make it stop responding to these efforts?

On the one hand, I feel fairly confident that because I'm doing all the right things, the results will show. OK, so I had one bite of birthday cake. But that's not going to derail all my good efforts. (And I'm especially pleased that the bite of birthday cake was ONLY one bite -- it didn't start a descending spiral of sugar.) Whatever the results, however quickly or slowly they show up, I know that I'm eating so much better than I was a few weeks ago, and I'm exercising every single day, which is a huge improvement. I'm trying to focus on the process more than the results.

But on the other hand -- there goes that chattering voice, saying I won't be as successful as other people have been because... why? Because I can't imagine myself really being fit. I've never been in that state before in my life, and I don't know what it would feel like or look like. I'm caught in my own self-image. I'm so accustomed to failing in this area that I'm expecting it to happen again.

So what do I do about this? I think I just keep plugging ahead, doing everything to the best of my ability, weighing that food, swimming those laps (and hoping my knee gets better) and, as instructed, BLOGGING IT OUT.

Oh, and one other thing: shrimp + avocado = made for each other.

Congratulations everybody on three weeks!

Day 19: Better!

My knee is feeling better! Still not 100% yet, so I took another long walk this morning. I really enjoy walking, especially when I have something good to listen to. I love my neighborhood and it's nice to walk around on a Saturday morning and see what everybody's doing. The only bummer about walking instead of jumping rope is that walking takes a lot longer -- I can do my jumps in 20 minutes but I spend an hour walking, then I still have to do my strength training exercises. I hope I'm back to jumping rope soon!

I've mentioned before that I've done Weight Watchers several times before, but I'm finding many ways in which the PCP is better than WW. Let me say first that I think WW is a pretty sane program -- the main focus is portion control of regular food, not special food that they provide -- and for the right person I think it can be great. It worked for me for a while, but I never got to my goal weight. I would always wind up having a "bad" week, which would turn into two bad weeks, which would turn into not going back because I was embarrassed to step on the scale. Here is how the PCP is better than WW:

Diet
There are no forbidden foods on WW, which is kind of a relief at first. If you want to have some cake at a birthday party, you just have to plan for it and then eat only the amount you've planned for. You can easily go out to a restaurant and just try to make good choices. So it's not so shocking as all the PCP diet rules. But even then I had trouble sticking to what I was supposed to do. I would buy those 100-calorie packs of cookies or mini cupcakes or whatever, to stash in my pantry as a daily treat, which is totally permissible by WW standards. But then I would eat the whole damn box at once, blasting past my self-imposed limits, therefore making me feel like I had already failed so I might as well see what's in the fridge. I don't plan to live the rest of my life without sugar, alcohol, or salt, but for right now, it's actually easier to just stay away from those things as much as possible rather than try to consume them in moderation.

Exercise
WW doesn't talk too much about exercise. You're supposed to get so many minutes of "activity" every day, and they leave it open so you can choose whatever you like. If you do extra activity, you can literally translate that back into more food you can eat. I found that to be kind of crazy-making, like how exercise bulimics get started. I mean, I know that the more active you are, the more you can eat -- I just didn't like the incentive process of exercising in order to eat more. It wasn't healthy for me, at least. I also really appreciate the very specific exercise instruction we're getting. WW says "just get moving," which is really good if you have to lose 100 pounds and you have no clue about exercise at all. I like having my daily exercise sheet and all I have to do is complete what's there, and I know that I will get good results if I do it all to the best of my ability.

Social support
This is where WW has been a pioneer in commercial weight loss, because the meeting is a huge part of the program. In a lot of ways, I think it's like an AA meeting: the leader has been successful on the program too, and it's a time to talk about your struggles and celebrate your successes. Sometimes everything clicks and a WW meeting can really help. But like so many other things, if you don't have the right leader, or the group dynamic is unhealthy, the meeting can also drag you down. I've also seen meetings where everybody really enables each other's neurosis -- they're having such a good time together, they don't want to tell the truth. These are often people who can quote you the calorie content of anything in the grocery store, but have been coming to WW meetings every week for a year and are losing the same 5 pounds over and over. The PCP group is working so much better for me because it's finite, and because we're all at the same point in our journey. I like making everything as transparent as possible. I don't want to just hang out here forever in a holding pattern.

I will credit WW with helping me to think about food differently, especially the idea of portion control, and for helping me to avoid being 20 pounds heavier than I am now. I don't think it's all bad by any means, and I know that a lot of people have had success there. I also know that a lot of people have joined and rejoined over and over, spending lots of money and essentially spinning their wheels. WW touts its successes but really, those re-joiners are the company's bread & butter (so to speak) so it's not really in their interest to see people succeed. (Once you reach your goal weight, you don't have to pay for meetings anymore, as long as you stay at that weight.) The last time I went back, about a year ago, I was so half-hearted about it that I only stayed about 4 weeks. I plan on never going back.

Yay for day 19!

Day 18: Chugging along

Managed to do a one-hour fast walk in the searing Kentucky heat this morning. If I walk tomorrow, I'm going earlier! It was fine, though, and I felt good afterwards. Thank goodness for podcasts -- listened to a recent This American Life that I had missed and that kept my brain occupied.

My knee is still pretty painful, and actually seemed worse after swimming yesterday. The sideways action of swimming breaststroke was pulling something funny. I'm still frustrated about it -- when you're hanging out with a toddler, you spend a lot of time on the floor, and it's painful to get down on the floor or to get up. I'm taking ibuprofen regularly and just hoping that some time away from the jump rope will help. I think I went back to jumping too quickly, so I'm going to continue subbing in something else until I am pain-free. I know that continued weight loss will take some pressure off the knee, and I hope the muscles around the knee are getting stronger to support it.

I feel like I've turned a corner on my acceptance of this whole thing. Yes, I have to do a lot of planning, cooking, and cleaning. Yes, I have to make time to exercise. Yes, life would be "easier" right now without those things. But today I'm kind of feeling like, okay, whatever, let's see what's for lunch. Not agonizing about it, not obsessing about it, just doing it. I'll deal with the knee annoyance one day at a time.

Almost out of fruit & veggies! Good thing my local farmers' market is tomorrow.

I wanted to share this article from the NY Times about the metabolic effects of exercise. Interesting stuff.

Happy Friday, everybody!

Day 17: Time Management

Today was really frustrating in terms of time spent, lost, wasted, or frittered away. I didn't have much to do today, and my husband was off work, so one would think that getting a workout in would be a snap. Yeah, not so much.

I'm still struggling with the knee pain so I'm taking advantage of the advice to walk or swim instead of jumping rope. I like walking and I love swimming, so that's no problem -- the only issue is time. Both walking and swimming take more time than jumping. I can drive to the pool at the gym (20 minutes each way) or I can go to my neighborhood pool (5 minute walk) but that pool doesn't open until 11am. We've had highs in the mid 90s all week so unless I can walk early, it's not really "brisk walking" weather.

I won't go into all the details, but the two appointments I had today didn't happen on time, things got pushed back, I had to pick my daughter up from school, one thing overlapped onto another, and then it was 4:30 and I hadn't been able to exercise at all. All three of us packed up and went to the pool, where I did laps while my husband played with our daughter on the other side. A few times she started crying for me so I walked up and down the length of the pool (in the water) as fast as I could with her in my arms -- that's not bad exercise either!

I didn't get to do my strength exercises until after putting her to bed, because my husband had to go out, but I did finally get them all done. Incline pull-up still feels like a joke -- all the muscles tense up but nothing happens!

So I did get it done, but I was anxious all day about it. This is why I prefer morning workouts.

I see why Patrick warned us that this week is tricky from a mental standpoint. I remember Royce said he usually wound up quitting any new health regimen around three weeks in, and I think that's about when I usually quit too. I'm just sick enough of the disruption to my regular life, and I haven't seen enough results to feel re-energized. I'm just going to keep moving forward, doing the best I can every day, with the faith that by next week I'll feel better.

One thing I do is imagine how I would feel if I quit today -- if I told everybody that I'm just not going to be able to do this, thanks for watching. When I really imagine it, in great detail, I'm reminded about how much I really DO want to do this, even though it's hard. I also imagine what it would feel like to cheat -- to go get some ice cream, to skip a workout, to have a couple of glasses of wine. That doesn't really feel good either. I'm proud of myself for the work I've done over the last 17 days, and I want to keep building on it.

Hang in there, everybody!

Day 16: Delayed Gratification

This is going to be my first really grumpy post. I usually manage to keep a good attitude -- especially in public -- but tonight I'm bringing the bad attitude.

It's been a challenging day for the PCP. Today is my dad's birthday, and all he wanted for his birthday is for all of us -- him, my mom, my husband, my daughter and me -- to go to this quirky little theme park near Louisville called Holiday World. (Every section is themed with a different holiday, including Christmas, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, Halloween, but it's basically your standard carnival rides. Small, cute, fun.) I managed to do my workout this morning before we left, and I was really pleased that I got through all the jumps and even the lunges with minimal knee pain. Happy and tired after the workout. Crammed down my lunch before we left. Left my morning snack (banana) on the kitchen counter because I forgot to eat it before lunch. Didn't see how I could bring afternoon snack (yogurt) to an amusement park -- what, am I going to carry around a little cooler? -- so decided to skip it and just do my best.

Food at the theme park wasn't a problem -- I didn't eat anything! I wasn't hungry, and there ain't nothing PCP-friendly about a funnel cake and unlimited Pepsi. (Seriously, this place has free unlimited Pepsi for everybody. Crazy.) The problem began when my knee started acting up. The pain got worse and worse, and it became hard to chase my daughter around. Stairs got really tough. I hobbled out of the place when it was time to leave.

Then came dinner: we stopped at a decent chain restaurant where they have a lot of different things on the menu. I think I did pretty well: I ordered the Asian chicken salad, which was a pile of greens and other raw veggies, with a piece of chicken in some kind of sesame sauce. I'm sure it was salted but there weren't any other options. I skipped the dressing, skipped the fried wontons on the plate, skipped the chips & guacamole my dad ordered, skipped the wine my mom ordered... I got plenty to eat but I have to say I felt pretty deprived.

Then we got home and had cake for my dad's birthday. The traditional birthday cake in our family is a butter cake -- kind of like pound cake but better -- that my grandmother used to make, so my mom made it for today. I had a bite. One bite of my favorite cake, which is like my madeleine and takes me back to my childhood. Everybody else was chowing down on big pieces of cake and I just watched them, as my knee continued to throb.

So today feels like a bit of a bummer. I did my best to do everything right, despite some challenges, so I'm proud of that. But I'm also annoyed that I'm in so much knee pain (I've never had knee trouble before) and it was really tough to be around people eating "normal" food and I knew I wasn't going to partake. I'm happy for the weight I've lost and for the muscles I'm starting to see, but I'm really pissed off that I'm having this knee pain and it's making it difficult for me to get up and down stairs, etc. I'm also feeling tired all the time and ready to feel energetic.

I have to say that my parents and my husband are all in good shape and eat pretty healthy food, and they are supportive of me. I was bitching to my husband about how I feel and he just said, "It'll get better, you're going to do this and you're going to be glad you did." I know he's right. I'm not quitting, I'm not ready to blow everything, but at this moment I am definitely disliking these rules that I've decided to follow. I'm just feeling a little bit sorry for myself and hoping that tomorrow is better.

Thanks for reading my grumpfest.

Day 15: Smile, dammit!

I was soooooo nervous before starting my 800 jumps today. My knee was feeling a lot better but still not pain-free, so I was worried about how much the jumps were going to hurt. I dawdled and procrastinated and threw another load of laundry in the dryer and checked my email again and... finally put on my exercise clothes and my shoes and grabbed that jump rope.

Guess what? It was fine. Totally fine. A little twinge, but nowhere near as bad as the last time I jumped, two days ago. My form was definitely off, though, and I couldn't sustain many consecutive jumps. I started to get frustrated, and then I reminded myself to smile.

The physical act of smiling, even when you don't feel like it -- especially when you don't feel like it -- can really improve your mood. It feels kind of fake at first, but then the brain chemicals kick in and then you start to feel a little bit lighter. I find this especially useful when I start to take myself too seriously. (Which I do all the time. And I often forget to smile.)

So I grinned like a goofball as I tripped my way through 800 jumps. Lots of stretching before, during and after, so it took me a while. I worked up a good sweat, though. I took an awesome pic of the pool of sweat I left on my floor after doing the incline pull-ups (which are still an exercise in futility) but I can't upload it at the moment. If anybody reallllly wants to see a picture of a pool of sweat, let me know and I'll make the effort. :)

In other news, I'm mourning the loss of carbs from dinner as of today.

In other, other news, I'm down 6 pounds from 2 weeks ago, and I can see some muscles in my arms. So I guess I can take the carb thing in stride.

Happy week 3, everybody!

Day 14: Listen to Uncle Tim

Today was a "make it work" moment. And I made it work!

First, I am just amazed by the support of my PCP teammates (and PCPers further along the path) after my post yesterday about knee pain. This is one of the greatest values of this program: to know that we're all doing this together, even though we don't know each other, even though we're spread out all over the world. We have a common goal and we're going to work to get each other through this process. All of your comments made me feel so much better.

I like to do things perfectly. I know this about myself. Sometimes I find that if I can't do something perfectly, I don't want to do it at all. Until yesterday, I had been perfect on this program, but then I was faced with knee pain that made jumping difficult. So the choice becomes: continue to try and be perfect (i.e., jump anyway and maybe have even more pain) or try to make a wise choice that will keep me moving forward in a healthy way.

My husband (who is a doctor) advised 600 mg of ibuprofen every 8 hours, and then he suggested I go swimming for my exercise today. I used to love swimming laps, but I haven't done it in probably 20 years. I cancelled my membership at the YMCA before starting the PCP, but I still have privileges through the end of June, so I have a pool I can use. He's suggested swimming before, as a good non-impact cardio exercise, but I've always been put off by a) wearing a swimsuit, b) having to buy goggles, c) dealing with my long wet hair afterwards. Etc etc etc. I can always find a reason to avoid something.

But this morning I went to buy goggles (after getting my new PCP diet sheet printed & laminated -- woo hoo!), then I headed to the pool. I swam 20 lengths of a 25-meter pool, which took me about 20 minutes. Wow, swimming is tough! Full-body exercise, really had me panting, but happily was putting no pressure on my sore knee. I feel lucky that today is our "rest" day with no strength training, and I'm planning to just chill out for the next couple of hours (daughter's naptime) and rest that knee as much as possible.

Elena's reminder that diet is 80% of success here was super-helpful in lessening my anxiety, but I feel really good that I didn't skip a workout. Going to the pool is still a hassle -- 20 minute drive there, have to tote all my stuff, wet hair, 20 minute drive home -- so I don't think I'll make it a habit. I'm very grateful to be able to jump rope at home and then just hop in the shower.

So thanks everybody for the support. And congratulations to all of us for completing 14 days! Big changes have already occurred, and more are on the way...

UPDATE: I just have to share this link with all of you, in the spirit of bacon chocolate chip pancake mix. Turns out, Jimmy Dean had it first!

Day 12 & 13: Frustrated but not discouraged

It's been a busy couple of days, and I haven't had time to write or read my teammates' blogs this weekend. I'm sorry I haven't been able to be more supportive of you guys! I'm going to remedy that as soon as I finish writing this.

This is a bit of a tough weekend for me, because my husband is working all weekend which means I'm on solo kid duty the whole time. My husband doesn't work a M-F schedule, and it's relatively rare that he works all weekend, but it happens. My daughter goes to daycare in the mornings on the weekdays, so that's when I've been exercising, showering, and prepping my meals. I haven't had that time these couple of days. She naps for about 2 hours in the middle of the day, which is just enough time to work out, shower and make and eat lunch. That means little time to do other things around the house that need to get done too. I find myself feeling a little envious of my child-free friends who have so much time for themselves, and I have boundless respect for moms who stay at home full-time with no outside childcare. It's exhausting being with a little kid all day, and when I have a break (i.e., her nap) the last thing I want to do is go jump rope. But jump I have!

This leads me to the first problem I'm dealing with: knee pain. Yup, it's come to get me too. My left knee cracks frequently, but it's never painful. Yesterday during my last 200 jumps, the left knee started talking to me, softly at first, then more loudly. Nothing snapped or popped or happened suddenly -- it just gradually got more sore. I finished the jumps and was able to do my squats without too much trouble. But for the rest of the day I noticed the pain.

This morning, knee pain was still there, and a little sharper than yesterday. What to do? I don't want to injure myself, and I don't want to wimp out. So, I took some ibuprofen and I jumped. My form has gotten a lot better and I can usually do 30-40 jumps without stopping now, which is pretty fun (and amazing to me). After 500 jumps I was about to cry because my knee was hurting so badly. I took a break, did 100 more, and then decided I was done with jumping for the day. Couldn't do the lunges either -- I did one set of each and it really did not feel good.

So I'm not sure what to do tomorrow. I hate the idea of missing a day. The only reason I can face each day's workout is that I know I did it yesterday. If I'm nervous about the number of jumps, I just tell myself that I did almost that many yesterday, so what's another 50? Resting, really resting for the rest of the day isn't an option, since I have a 2-year-old to deal with. I think I'll just see how the knee feels tomorrow.

I'm disappointed that my body isn't cooperating right now. I was seriously ill as a child and again as a teenager, and I've always felt like I can't trust my body. I don't know how else to explain it. The first time that I felt like I could trust my body was when I was pregnant -- I had an easy pregnancy and an uncomplicated birth, and I was so proud to feel like a normal person, maybe even a strong person. When I trained for my first 5K, I did the "Couch to 5K" program, gradually introducing running into my walks. But I found that I couldn't keep up -- when the program said I should be moving ahead with more running, I wasn't strong enough and had to take it more slowly. So far this program has been great, and I feel like I'm able to keep up and getting stronger all the time. I don't want to jeopardize that now.

The positives: I can see a difference when I look in the mirror. I don't know if anybody else can see it, but I know my body and I know that it's changing for the good. That is a tremendous incentive to continue, to make the most of every workout, to watch my food carefully, and to keep writing about it all.

Hope everybody is doing well -- I'm going to read your blogs right now!

Day 11: Shopping

So today I took a little shopping trip to Whole Foods, and I bought... whole foods. Blueberries, kale, carrots, peppers, bananas, mushrooms, tomatoes, yogurt, chicken, and whole wheat tortillas. There's a lot of yummy stuff at Whole Foods, chocolate of all kinds, luscious pastries, sushi, but I bypassed it all in favor of FOOD. (Craziest item spotted: bacon chocolate chip pancake mix. Say what??) And the funniest thing is that it wasn't too hard to leave all that other stuff out of my cart, because I have a goal, and those things won't help me get there. (I keep telling myself they'll be waiting for me on the other side of the PCP if I still want them. That's a big IF, but it makes me feel better.)

I usually shop with a list because I have certain recipes in mind, but today I just picked up things that looked good. It was kind of strange, but I felt really proud of myself checking out. I'll head to the farmers' market near me in the morning and see what looks good there too. I feel like I'm learning a whole new way to cook.

Workout was tough again today, but I did it all. Most thrilling thing: the first set of leg-ups was relatively easy. Shockingly easy, actually! Leg-ups are so hard for me that I was putting off doing them -- the last exercise of the day, but I was avoiding getting started because I was dreading them. And then the first set was like whoosh. Second set was harder, third and fourth were murder. But that first set was worth all the work.

Happy Friday, everyone!

Dinner success!

Just wanted to share a successful supper that both my husband and I ate tonight. Here's the recipe for Soft Tacos with Fish & Spinach.

It didn't start out looking so promising: tomatillos pureed with cilantro, garlic, jalapeno, and onion. (I left out the salt, figuring my husband could put some on his portion later.)



It had a really terrible green color that reminded me of witches' brew. It also reminded me of a legendary bad dish I once made with fish -- so terrible that neither of us could eat it. But it smelled good, and it brightened up quite a bit once I blended some more fresh cilantro into it.

I also had to steam a mountain of spinach.



I got whole wheat tortillas for me and regular white flour tortillas for my husband. Here's how my plate looked:



We both agreed it was delicious! I sprinkled a tiny bit of feta cheese on top (as the recipe suggested) which cut the heat of the jalapenos nicely. The beer my husband was drinking presumably did the same. :)

It was a ton of work, and seemed to use every dish in our kitchen, but it was tasty and healthy and I have lots of leftovers for tomorrow's lunch.

And Jenny, this is for you:



This is the Mario Batali salt cellar that my husband got me for my birthday a couple of years ago. Note that there are two wells for two different kinds of salt -- because sometimes you need kosher salt and sometimes you need table salt. I don't think I use much salt when cooking at home anyway, and I bet that eliminating processed food will cut most of the salt I was eating. But I'm sticking to plan and not adding any salt to my cooking, just to see what happens. So far it's fine, but I definitely feel the urge to sprinkle in a little bit anyway.

Hope everybody had a great day 10!

Day 10 Thoughts

In a bit of a hurry today so just some quick thoughts on Day 10! Woo hoo!

• I don't think I've ever exercised every day for 10 days straight. Ever. In my whole life.
  
  
• Same pain in the back of my legs during jumping today. Almost brought me to my first PCP tears. (I said almost.) Stopped and stretched a lot between sets of 100. Hoping this is just a strengthening issue that will work itself out over the next few days.
  
  
• I added some gentle twists, hip openers, and a 5-minute savasana to the end of my workout, and it was lovely. I remember reading somewhere that the last part of an experience is what you tend to remember most -- so, for example, if you end a workout with the hardest exercise and you're really struggling, that will be the largest thing in your mind when you think back on that workout. I got up from my workout feeling refreshed and nicely wrung out, in a good way. I think I'm going to continue to build in time for those stretches and a little savasana at the end.
  
  
• Vegetables for breakfast are so not my thing. But I'm eating them anyway!
  
  
• When hard-boiling eggs, make sure the water is really boiling before you turn it off. Otherwise, you get somewhat-hard-boiled eggs with this nasty goopy yolk.
  
  
• Fresh cantaloupe is a most excellent snack.
  

Hope everybody has a good day 10!

Day 9: Ouch! And really walking on my legs

Woke up this morning with real soreness in the muscles just under and behind my armpits. I don't know what they're called but they were talking to me pretty loudly. I caved and took some ibuprofen, and now they're feeling better. I don't like to take painkillers often, but lifting my daughter was actually a challenge this morning so I decided I needed the help.

But the soreness in those back muscles was nothing compared to the way my lower legs were yelling at me during my jumps! I don't know what this is called either -- above my ankles (so not my Achilles, I think) and below my calf muscle. Yow!! I stopped in between sets of 100 jumps and did a lot of stretching and ankle circles. I think I need to start stretching better before jumping.

The rest of the exercises went fine, although the leg-ups were really tough. I found myself wondering if and when I will ever really enjoy exercise. I enjoy the feeling that comes from having done it, but I wish I enjoyed the exercise itself. I started running about a year ago, with the encouragement of a good friend who has become a runner and really loves it. I dutifully went through the Couch to 5K training program, although I found it hard to keep up with -- you alternate walking and running, but I always felt like I was struggling to do the running. I've now done 2 5K runs, and while the events themselves were fun and exciting, I never got to the point where I really liked running. Is it possible I just didn't stick with it long enough? Or will I never really like exercise? At the moment, it doesn't matter so much: I'm doing this program whether I "like" it or not, and I'm committed to it. But in the long term, it's going to be hard to sustain an exercise program if I'm always dreading it. This is something to observe and see what happens.

I found a really yummy salsa at my local market that really zings up my pasta and chicken/shrimp -- I checked the ingredients carefully and it's only tomatoes, onions, garlic, cilantro, lime and mango, no salt or oil. There's very little mango so I'm counting it as vegetable. I took out a few grams of veg and put a couple of spoonfuls of salsa over my food & mixed it all around -- deeeeelish. No issues with the food at this point, just working out time to fix everything. But I can see right now how prepping a bunch of things at once will make a big difference on an daily basis.

One positive thing I'm already noticing is how I'm standing taller and really walking on my legs. I noticed this after I first started doing yoga, a few years back -- I'm aware of my legs being strong and really carrying the rest of my body around. It's a little hard to describe but that's the best way I know to put it. It feels wonderful and that's one thing that's keeping me going.

It's naptime for my daughter so that means it's naptime for me. When she wakes up, I'll be taking to a place we affectionately call "bouncy castle madness." It's basically a big room (you can rent it out for parties) that has a bunch of different bouncy castle things in it, and they have a few open play sessions each week. It's a rainy day here in Louisville so an indoor activity will be nice today. She LOVES going to "bouncy castle" and I have to agree it's pretty fun, although it can be exhausting. (Maybe I should have waited to do my jumps there!) This is one of the benefits of being home with a toddler: my Wednesday afternoons never used to involve jumping around like a lunatic and falling down and laughing. (Or if they did, it was a really, really bad day. And no laughing.)

This is one of the reasons I'm doing the PCP: I want to be able to take my daughter to the bouncy castle place and not dread it. I want her to see her mom being active and healthy and optimistic. I want her to have happy memories of her childhood and I want to be able to enjoy it for a long time to come.

Happy day 9, everybody!

Quote of the day

This quote came my way today and really spoke to me. See what you think.

"The only way to relate with the present situation of spirituality or the neurotic state of the moment is by meditation. I don't mean sitting meditation only, but relating with the emotional situations of daily life in a meditative way, by working with them, being aware of them as they come up. Every situation then becomes a learning process. These situations are the books; they are the scriptures." -- Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche

I am currently learning from the situation of steaming kale.

Day 8 Thoughts

So, it's the first day of our new diet plans and our upgraded exercise plans. I'm eating my mid-morning snack (130g of blueberries, which is actually a lot) and my current thoughts are: really? Really?!

First, the food. I could not believe how much I ate for breakfast this morning, even though I was careful and weighed everything out. I spent a lot of time doing Weight Watchers, which allows you to make choices based on "points" which are calculated through the ratio of fat, calories and fiber in any particular food. You get so many "points" a day that you can eat, and you can have anything you want as long as you stick to your points limit, making sure you include 5 servings of fruit or veg, 2 servings low-fat dairy, and "limited" sugar & alcohol. Never a word about salt. I did okay on WW a couple of times -- I do realize that's like saying I quit smoking a couple of times, didn't really work, did it? -- but I got used to very small portion sizes. I was terribly hungry for much of the time, but I did lose weight. There was only so long that I could stick it out to be that hungry, though, so I would eventually slack off and then quit altogether. So in the end, WW didn't work for me in a sustainable way, but my mind is conditioned to smaller portions if I'm trying to lose weight. My very full plate at breakfast was a little disconcerting, but I'm very glad not to be hungry.

Second, the exercise -- if I felt like a badass for doing 500 jumps yesterday, I *really* feel like a badass today, with 600 jumps followed by all the strength training. The 600 jumps were pretty tough. The incline pull-ups were a total bust -- if I keep my body rigid as instructed, nothing comes off the ground when I pull up. So I just did all the reps, with nothing coming off the ground, and felt kinda silly. I thought I had some better upper-body strength from lifting a 25-pound kid all day, but I still have a long way to go.

One other thought that came into my head as I was getting through those jumps: maybe I've taken on too much. I was asking myself, "Why did I think I could get into peak condition? I'm not even in average condition. Maybe I need to do The Average Condition Project first." I'm half-kidding and I was kind of laughing to myself as I was saying this, but it's also kind of true. I'm seeing how much time and effort this is going to require and I can feel part of myself start to pull back.

BUT -- the important thing is that I did all the exercises ANYWAY, I'm eating according to the plan I've been given ANYWAY. I have doubt about my own abilities but I'm not going to listen to that at the moment. I think part of me is a little afraid of what life will be like if I'm really in good shape, since I've spent so much of my life being out of shape. It's funny to think about being afraid of something you want, but I know it happens all the time. I'm going to focus on today, and the workout I just gave my best effort. And lunch. What's for lunch?

How's everybody else doing?

For Naoko...

...and everybody else who saw SATC2 this week. (I didn't, don't plan to.) I think it's funny that the actress who voiced Carrie in the Japanese version found her kind of annoying!

Day 7: Glass half full

(Get it? Glass half full? On the last day of the half-diet? Ha, I crack me up.)

Still hanging in there on the half-diet, and doing pretty well. My husband and I have recently established a tradition of Sunday dinners, when we invite a couple of friends over, sometimes my parents too, and have a nice dinner together. We have some very close Israeli friends in New York who always observe a Friday night Shabbat dinner, and we loved the idea that there's one night a week when everybody tries to be home, we take our time with preparing food, we invite guests to join in, and we take a moment to appreciate and reflect on the week. Last night we had some grilled beef ribs with a Korean marinade (yum!), roasted asparagus, a lovely salad with strawberries, and then my mom made these amazing little chocolate egg-white souffles. I ate small portions of everything and had only one glass of wine the whole evening. Luckily the company and conversation distracted me from obsessing about what I wasn't eating, and I had a great time.

Which brings me to my current fears: when we start our "real" PCP diets tomorrow, I'm nervous about what it's going to be like. I really appreciated Patrick's email telling us to get prepared and to let friends and family know that things are going to be different. My husband and my parents are super-supportive, but I know that I'll still have to make some hard choices.

As far as I can tell, I'm the only one in our group that lives with a partner -- is that right? (Sorry if I've missed something.) I usually cook dinner for both of us, so I'm going to have to get creative with making sure I'm eating what I need and finding a way to have something he likes too. (He's the one with the full-time outside-of-the-home job, working 12-14 hours a day so I kind of feel like one thing I can do to help him is make dinner. I have some issues about being the "housewife," can you tell? I worked full-time until about a year ago and I'm still negotiating this stay-at-home mom thing in my head.) He likes healthy food but I would say he prefers to eat a little more "traditionally" -- more meat, more foods with sauces, etc. He doesn't have any weight issues, though, and doesn't want to be "doing PCP" with me, although he is totally cheering me on. It's tough when one partner decides to make a change and the other one is not. So this is one challenge ahead of me: he and I will have to figure out how to get a meal on the table that we can both live with.

Getting ready to go jump rope -- kind of nice to have a day off from strength training, eh? -- and I really appreciate everybody's thoughts about jumping. I think there has to be a balance between thinking and not thinking about it. Like, to a certain point you have to think about it, because there are basic physical and technical things that have to come together in order to jump. But then once a certain competency has been reached, it's probably better to NOT think about it. I'm still in the "need to think about it" stage with jumping -- and there's no shame in that, considering I never did it at all before a week ago. I'm curious to see what it will be like to do 500 jumps today.

Go team! You guys are inspiring!

A note on jumping rope

"Arthur eventually learned to fly, basically by falling and then forgetting to hit the ground. The thing about flying is not to realise that it is, in fact, impossible, or then gravity will suddenly notice you again and take exception to being ignored."

I found this quote by Googling "Arthur Dent" and "flying," although I couldn't quickly locate the actual passage from the Hitchhiker's Guide books. But the upshot is that the schlubby Earthling learns to fly, but anytime he thinks, "Hey, wow, I'm flying!" he falls to the ground. This is how it is with me and jumping rope right now. I start in and do 20 jumps just like zing! and it feels great, and I think, "Cool, I'm jumping!" and then I trip. I restart and can't do more than 3 in a row. It's hard to consciously LET GO and RELAX about something you're trying to LET GO of. I'm just mildly annoyed at this point but I restart and restart and restart and eventually get all my jumps done.

I would love to learn how to make it smoother, though. Anybody got some form/technique tips to share?

Rock on!

Day 5/6: What I'm Learning

First, this public service announcement: when you're setting your alarm clock, just do a quick check to make sure the AM/PM thing is set correctly. :)

I'm at another of my part-time jobs today, hosting Weekend Edition Sunday on my local NPR news station. I got here in enough time to be prepared for my first newscast, but it wasn't the best start to the day. I managed to throw some fruit and a granola bar (not ideal but it was what I could bring) in my bag on my way out the door, since I'll be in this studio until 11am.

I've learned -- or maybe should say, RE-learned -- a couple of things already this week, and I'm feeling so grateful. If I were to go no farther with the PCP than this point (don't worry, folks, I'm in for the long haul), I would have these things to take with me.

First, the half-diet has been revelatory. I do not need nearly as much food as I think I do, and I've been eating way too much, just out of habit. Look, I love food, and I think it's one of life's great pleasures -- but really, the first few bites taste the best, and the awareness I've had to summon this week has made me realize that I don't need as *much* food in order to enjoy it.

Last night, my husband and I went to a Palestianian restaurant for dinner, one of those places that isn't much to look at but has fantastic food. We split their sampler platter with baba ganoush, falafel, chicken kebab, lamb shawarma, a couple of different kinds of salads, and pita bread. (The only problem was they were out of hummus -- what kind of Mediterranean restaurant runs out of hummus??) I tasted everything and it was all great. But I STOPPED eating much earlier than I would have had I not been paying attention. At the point I stopped, I felt like I could eat more, but I really wasn't hungry anymore. It was probably still more calories than I should be having at this point but I'm proud of myself that I made such a big change. I understand that much bigger food changes are ahead for us, but this has been terrific all on its own.

The other thing I've relearned is how good exercise makes me feel, both physically and mentally. Whenever I've gotten into a regular exercise habit, I've been able to maintain it by reminding myself that exercise is as much for my mental health as for my physical health. When I'm getting enough exercise, my state of mind is sunnier and I feel more capable of taking on difficult things. I believe there are very real biochemical effects from exercise that can be as good or better than any antidepressant medication. Even though our workouts have been short this week, just the act of getting my heart rate up and getting all sweaty has done wonders for my state of mind.

I'm super-inspired by what's gone on so far. I know things are going to get harder, so I'm happy that I already have some things to take away even before I see any physical results. And it's a pleasure to be on this journey with my PCP teammates -- you guys are terrific!

Happy Sunday!

Rev your engines!

I just have to share -- here's the general horoscope for all signs for this week, courtesy of AstroStyle.com. I'm not a big believer in astrology but I think it can be helpful sometimes. I'm choosing to see this as VERY helpful for all of us PCP-ers. :)

General Astrology Overview for All 12 Signs:

Rev up your engines. Mighty Jupiter leaps forward from Pisces into Aries from June 6 until September 8. This is a rare cosmic occurrence, as Jupiter generally stays in one sign for a full year. Since January 17, 2010 we’ve had the planet of luck, expansion and higher consciousness in Pisces. For better or for worse, life has been but a dream. Going with the flow was a better answer than forcing the issue. Sure, we longed for results, but it’s been all about trusting the universe and waiting for divine timing to give us the green light. Now, the switch has been flipped to “go!” With Jupiter thundering into Aries for three months, it’s time to summon forth the warrior princesses, queens and kings within us, and do battle with the resistant forces that are standing in our way. Uranus, the planet of social change, already made a similar leap from Pisces into Aries last month. Through September, the two cosmic forces unite to help us move mountains in the name of progress. The revolution has begun, and yes, it will be televised. This may be a sneak preview of a full-length feature that’s set to air in 2011, but one thing is for certain. Embracing change and taking the initiative is the only way to stay on top of your game now.

Day 4: Jump Rope Breakthrough!

(Coming to you live today from one of my many part-time jobs, in addition to being a mostly stay-at-home mom -- I'm playing classical music on the radio today! 11am to 3pm Eastern today, listen here if you want!)

It's so nice to feel a little bit of progress, like I'm getting just a hair better and stronger. I had a jump rope moment this morning that really made me happy.

I've been struggling a bit with finding the right rope and figuring out my technique. The first rope I got was vinyl, so-called "EZ Jump" made by Reebok. The middle section is thicker so it's weighted, and theoretically will be easier to jump with. Two problems with this rope: it was all folded up in the box and those bends from folding are still in the rope, and the handles don't really rotate. So after about 15 jumps or so, the rope starts to get kinked and twisted and shorter and then I bonk myself in the head. I have to stop and unwind the stupid thing.

I bought another rope, a better one with handles that rotate well, but I had a hard time figuring out the right length. It was way too long at first, I shortened it but still thought it was too long, so shortened it again, then feared it was too short because I kept hitting myself in the head anyway. I looked up a couple of jump rope videos online to learn more about good form (as Patrick says, we're living in the Matrix and you can find almost anything online) and that really helped. Today, during the last 20 jumps of my last set, everything aligned: my hands were in the right place, I was swishing the rope just right, the rhythm was perfect and it felt great. I'll probably trip again tomorrow, but having just a hint of doing it right was really fun and encouraging.

The food is going okay. I still get a little anxious when I look at what I'm about to eat -- the little voice inside is yelling, "Not enough! Not enough!" But then I eat and everything's okay, it really is enough. Breaking habits takes a lot of repetition. I think about how many times I've eaten more than I needed and I know it'll take many times of eating less to get used to it.

Boy, who knew that a simple comment about laundry would spark so much conversation! But these are the hidden "costs" of getting fit. It's not only the time you actually spend exercising but the time around it. In my case, with a little kid at home, having enough time to shower every day can be a little challenging. (I know, gross, right? But it's true.) I get so sweaty during these PCP workouts that I absolutely have to hose off afterwards, so I have to build that into my workout time. I'm sure that next week when we get our "real" PCP diets, there will be plenty of food prep time. (This is something I see other PCP-ers mentioning a lot, so I expect it to be time-consuming.) I have to remind myself to build in the time to do all those things to keep myself healthy.

After all, every morning at about 8:00 my daughter (who's almost 2) goes to the basement door and says very expectantly, "Dance party?" This is our post-breakfast thing these days: we go downstairs where we have a stereo and lots of space, and we put on very loud music and jump up and down and spin until we get dizzy and bounce on the bed in the guest room. There's a lot of laughing and a lot of shrieking and I'm tired within about 15 minutes. My daughter just runs everywhere by default so keeping up with her is no easy feat. This is why her picture is with me at the top of my blog -- I want to be able to do things with her and provide a good example for her, instead of always just saying, "Mommy's too tired." I was not an athletic kid but maybe she'll have the chance to be one.

After Day 3 workout

I'm glad to hear that my PCP teammates are all feeling sore -- not because I want them to be in pain, but because it tells me that all the soreness I'm feeling is normal! I'm actually liking it, though, because it feels like my muscles are waking up. It's not so bad that I can't do my normal activities, but just a little reminder throughout the day that I'm actually using my body and pushing it a little bit.

I find my mind jumping ahead to the workouts we'll do in a few weeks and wondering how I'll ever get through them. Then I bring myself back to today's workout and try not to think about the future. I have faith that I'll be prepared when I get there.

PCP = lots of laundry! When I was going for a (half-hearted) run three days a week, I only needed three sports bras. Jumping rope is super-sweaty, though, so more workout clothes needed per week. I always remember some old Nike ad that said "a good running week is a bad laundry week." May we all have bad laundry weeks!

This is fun.

This is interesting

The thought process that goes on as I'm preparing a meal during this half-eating week...

"OK, I really want a [whatever] but I'll have [something else healthy]. But I can only have half of this salmon burger? But it's so small already!"

Now I'm so dispirited that I barely want to make anything to eat, but my stomach is grumbling so I know I need to eat something.

Talk myself into it: "It'll be fine, I don't need as much food as I think, it's just for a few days, I'm not going to starve to death, just suck it up and be strong, transitions are hard but this will be worthwhile..."

I sit down and eat. It's definitely less than I'm used to -- that's the point! -- but it's okay. When I'm finished, I know I could eat more, but I don't. (That is a weird feeling. The fact that that is a weird feeling is really important and good to be aware of.)

And then here's the most surprising thing: I managed to not be obsessed with food all day, even though I ate much less than I normally do. I was hungry, but I was busy so I wasn't thinking about food so much.

Once in college I lost a lot of weight because I basically stopped eating for a while. I knew it was unhealthy behavior but the social rewards were so great that I continued doing it. Two of my best girlfriends sat me down one evening and told me that I was on the verge of a serious problem, and that woke me up enough to change my path. Since then, I've tried to focus on being sane in my eating and not doing anything too extreme, so this "eat half what you normally do and ignore your rumbling stomach" rang some warning bells for me. But it really has been okay so far. I'm happily surprised.

A word about leg-ups

They're HARD! Wow. I had to talk myself through every rep of that last set.

This is one reason I'm glad I'm not working out in a gym: nobody else around to hear me talking to myself, sweating, panting. I'm all for transparency and accountability -- that's why I'm glad to keep a blog, and why I emailed all my friends this morning and told them about it. But the actual WORK of the working out -- I'm happy to do that in private, at least for now.

Day 1 & Day 2: Liftoff!

The starting date for my PCP was a little inauspicious: I was out of town for the holiday weekend, visiting my husband's family. We had a 3-hour drive back home so I didn't get to do my workout until the early evening, which is definitely not my favorite time of day to exercise. But because I'm not letting any excuses get in my way this time, I put on my shoes and did it just after putting my daughter to bed. A friend gave me some good jump-rope tips and it wasn't too bad! I tripped a fair number of times but it was fun anyway. I haven't jumped rope since elementary school so I expect it'll take a few days to get the feel of it. I felt very virtuous sitting down to dinner after doing the workout.

I think I need to develop a good sense of the difference between "difficult" and "requires effort." Patrick says the Week 1 workouts are pretty easy, and I think he's right. But they do require effort. I was sweating before the end of the first set of jumps, and I felt tired afterwards. In my mind, that has often been a marker that something is wrong -- if I'm tired, sore, sweaty, shaky, then I must have been doing something that was too hard for me. But I'm trying to remind myself that all of those signs are indications that I have been challenged, and that whatever I'm doing is going to help me grow. (And I also know that dizzy, passing out, can't stand up, etc., are definitely signs of too much.) I've had a problem with fear while exercising, and I want to take that fear on, look at the roots of it, dismantle it, and not allow it to stop me anymore.

The halfsies diet is going fine, although I was a little hungry yesterday. I reminded myself that people all over the world are way hungrier than that every day. I felt a little absurd leaving half an apple on the breakfast table this morning -- I didn't get to where I am now because I ate an entire apple. But I know that it's not just about calories. In order to eat "about half of my usual diet," I have to think about what my usual diet is, and it's good to see that I can eat much less than normal and the world doesn't collapse.

I currently weigh more than I would like, but I'm mostly okay with it. Sure, I'd like to be in better shape, but if I were at this current weight forever, I think I could deal. The problem is that in order to just stay at this current weight as I get older, I'm going to have to work harder. I don't want to have to work hard just to be at this weight -- if I'm going to work hard, I want to weigh less. I recently moved from New York City to Louisville, KY, where the average person is heavier, so I feel skinnier in comparison. That factor makes it even easier to coast and just say, oh, I'm fine. But I'm not where I want to be, and I know that unless I change my current habits, I'm not going to have the energy and confidence to do the things I want to do.

Grateful for this program, grateful for my team members, grateful for my family who are supporting me, and grateful that my body can at least do this much. Keeping my expectations quiet and focusing on the process!