Day 29: Acceptance or Aversion?

Funny things happen when you start to see results on a program like this. At the very same moment, you can feel re-energized and re-committed to your efforts, and also ready to slack off a little bit because you don't look quite as bad as you used to. This is the conundrum I find myself in today. I have lost an incredible 12 pounds (this is astonishing to me -- how is that possible?) and people around me can see the difference. There are clothes in my closet that haven't fit in a long time, and now they do. So while part of me is like, "Awesome! Wonder how much further I can get with 8 more weeks of this?" there's another part saying, "Awesome! Time for a break!"

I haven't given in to the "take a break" impulse but I can definitely feel it's there. It manifests as resentment. Somehow one part of my brain thinks I'm the only person in the world who has to exercise and eat right in order to be in shape. I see other people eating and drinking "normally" and I start to feel sorry for myself. I'm trying to remind myself about the difference between momentary pleasure and the long-lasting effects of good health. I'm trying to remind myself of how rotten I felt after that piece of cake. Patrick said most of the food cravings should be gone by now -- I've been very strict, no cheating, but some of the cravings are still whispering to me.

My parents kept my daughter overnight last night (as they do once a month) so my husband and I could go out. We wanted to go out for dinner, but I was nervous about where I could go to get anything PCP-friendly. We settled on a nearby seafood restaurant where I was able to order a piece of grilled tilapia (no salt, no oil, please leave off the shallot butter that usually comes with) and a double serving of steamed veggies (no salt, please) instead of veggies plus mashed potatoes. I sipped Pellegrino with lime. I was glad I was still eating according to plan (although I had to guess on the portion sizes) but it was annoying to see everybody around me eating crab cakes, oysters, fried shrimp. One of many reasons why it's easier to eat at home these days!

I have to admit that the new diet for this week has thrown me for a loop. Fruit and milk and egg white for supper -- really?? My husband and I have reached a detente on the salt issue, so that we've been able to eat dinner together for the past couple of weeks, but this throws a real wrench into our plans. I don't mind it so much for myself -- it's actually kind of appealing, especially in this hot weather -- but since I am largely responsible for feeding 2 other people in addition to myself, this kind of meal isn't ideal. BUT -- we'll figure it out, we always do.

When I looked at today's workout, I thought, "Oh cool, we get to choose which leg exercise, and which back exercise, and which ab exercise..." HA! It took me a second to realize that we're supposed to do BOTH. Things are really getting cranked up! The plank today did not make me break down in tears, but it was plenty tough, especially after 100 sit-ups!

I want to say again how grateful I am for my PCP teammates. I love that we're all in different places in our lives and in different places around the world, and we're supporting each other so wholeheartedly. Each of you is bringing your own viewpoint to this project and I'm finding it so helpful to read your blogs and be reminded of those different perspectives. Thank you all, and thank you Patrick and Chen!

UPDATE: a sobering piece of news about my home state.